I farted on a girl and I liked it...


I almost forgot! The story of the twentysomethings and the Fart of DOOOOM!


There were an extraordinary number of bachelorette parties downtown last night. Its getting to be wedding season, which I never thought of, and the numbers will likely increase in the near future. I approve of this as it means more UberXL rides for me.


I got a call to Cadillac Ranch, a country dance bar. It was an XL ride and I was just up the street so I was happy to have it. I get there and I am met by a girl in a nice dress, who informs me that the rest of the party is being rounded up. She asks me how many can fit in the van. I tell her I have had up to 9 people in the back but that I am willing to drive with as many as they can pile in back there. This makes her happy and she goes to check on the herding of her crew.


The girls start coming out and gathering around the door of the van. They are a loud and happy bunch, and I was amused by them. They spoke of being from Carmel, where they were headed next, wondered if everyone was in the group and figuring out seating arrangements.


8 girls pile in. One sits up front with me, the other 7 get in the back and there is some lap sitting but everyone is in and safe. They tell me they want to go to Zonies, a drag bar on East Washington street.


I didnt even think, I just blurted out "No, you dont."


The girl in the passenger seat looked at me and said "What?"


I said "No, you dont want to go there."


She asked why, and I explained that this wasnt where they belonged, where they would feel safe or comfortable or where they should be. We were driving down Meridian street by this time.


She was somewhat taken aback by my attitude, and assured me that they did want to go to Zonies. About this time someone in the way back asked where Jen was. There was a quick moment of confusion, followed by a quicker head count. It became apparent that Jen wasnt in the van, and one of the girls in the middle volunteered that she had been with Jen in the bathroom line just before we left.


We had abandoned Jen. I doubled back during a lull in traffic and we headed back to get her.


I found this situation hilarious, as did a few of the other girls. We were all laughing as the ringleader hushed us and told us that she was calling Jen. We hushed and she told Jen that we had to move because a cop came along and that we were on the opposite side of the street from the front door of the bar and were parked behind an F150. Apparently this was too difficult for Jen to grasp, so ringleader girl got out to go get Jen. They returned within minutes and ringleader girl called for a headcount. I remarked "Good idea, WE WOULDNT WANT TO ABANDON ANYONE." This brought on a gale of laughter from the rear of the van and earned me a dirty look from ringleader. Worth it.


With everyone aboard, we headed for Zonies. there was much laughing and shouting at random passers by and much talking to me by the girls sitting in the middle seats just behind me. They had made it clear by this point that they were the types I could flirt with and fuck with, so I let my natural sense of humor out a bit and there was much laughter.


The closer to Zonies we got, the quieter they got. There were remarks about being "in the hood", being kidnapped or killed, being in the wrong neighborhood and other stuff along the same lines. To someone from Carmel, I realized, Zonies would seem like a rough neighborhood. If I brought them and showed them where I lived they would have shat themselves in fear, most likely.


Ringleader girl asked if they could call me when they were ready to go to another bar. I said yes, and gave her my card. A few others, including the one in the group I found sexy as fuck and was very attracted to, took my cards and made various remarks about calling or texting me. We shall see, Im not expecting any calls or texts.


I bade them farewell and drove off to the next fare. Within 7 minutes, I was keeping track, a text came in. It literally said only "Come get us, comegetuscomeback". I LOL'd and called to find that it was ringleader, who asked me if I would come get them and said that they were in the wrong place and that I was right. I assured her I would be there within ten minutes, I needed to drop off a passenger first. She was relieved and said OK.


About fifteen minutes later, I got to Zonies and saw that they were all standing in a herd on the sidewalk outside the club. I pulled up and they piled in, we took a quick headcount, having learned our lesson, and I took off. Ringleader said I was right and the rest of them were talking about how they didnt like the bar. It should be noted at this point that I had the windows up and the AC on, it was rather warm in the van with all the people in there.

Ringleader asked me where they should go next and to pick out a bar for them. I told her I would and asked if they wanted to stay downtown of if they would go to Broad Ripple. I was, of course, thinking of that fat UberXL money from downtown to Broad Ripple. She said they needed to stay downtown. I said I had the perfect bar for them, a remark that was met with a cheer from the back of the van.
I told them they belonged at Howl At The Moon on Georgia St. I told them that was where their tribe would be, their people. Ringleader agreed and off we went.

About a minute later I felt a pressure and started thinking. I made a bet with myself that I could cropdust these bitches and totally get away with it. I admit, Facebook readers, I was thinking partially of you and telling you the story if I succeeded.

I waited for a particularly loud burst of laughter, which wasnt a long wait at all, and I let fly. I waited anxiously for the reaction.

It didnt take long.

A wave of silence moved back from the front of the van, likely moving with the smell. Someone in the back voiced a question about a smell. A dog barked off in the distance, crickets would have chirped but were too damned embarrassed by the smell.

“Oh my GOD, which one of you bitches fucking farted?!”

The question was raised from directly behind me at top volume. I feared for a moment that the locale of the questioner would lead to me being found out and subsequently busted, but these women were no Sherlocks and I shortly realized that.

There was a general cry of dismay and alarm at the smell. I joined in and voiced the opinion that whoever farted must have had something crawl up inside of them and die, a line I blatantly steal from Richard Pryor every time I have need of it. I quickly, or not so quickly but making it seem so, opened the back vent windows and rolled the front windows down. I did it in that specific order so that every girl in the van would get a facefull of The Funk as it rolled out the back windows. I succeeded.

Blame was passed around but never assigned definitely. I was internally LOL’ing very hard and enjoying my work.

That was a fun ride.

A good but weird night...

It was a night. Thats about all I can say about it. I got tipped close to $50 total from 4 different people, got a kiss on the cheek, made a crying girl laugh and was called an asshole by a girl who went to jail. In the words of Inigo Montoya: Let me explain. No. There is too much, let me sum up.

The night was fairly normal until about 2am. Then it began. I picked up a very drunk girl and her boyfriend in Broad Ripple, the destination was near Castleton. After about a minute, she said "Just take me to my car, Im good to drive home." I asked if she was sure and said she seemed pretty drunk to me, to which she replied, "Hey, asshole, you dont even know me. Dont fucking judge how drunk I am!" Well, alllll righty then.

I took her to her car and turned around after they got out. I parked while she got into the car and after she passed me I pulled out behind her a hundred yards or so and dialled 911. I told the guy that answered that I was an Uber driver and I was behind a very drunk woman that I had just dropped off at her car who was now driving. He asked where we were and started some cars our way and as I followed her about a quarter mile back I gave him directions of travel and intersections and he updated the cars.

Literally 500 yards before we got to her house, 4 squad cars blow past me and light her up. She pulled over about 100 yards short of her driveway and was surrounded by police cars with their lights on. I hope every one of her neighbors looked out their windows or walked out to see what was going on. This is why we dont drink and drive, children. About half an hour later I got a call from one of the police officers who pulled her over, he took my info and said I might be needed to testify if it goes to court, I told him I would.

Literally the next ride: I pick up a girl from The Sinking Ship in Broad Ripple. She is going to Fishers. Cool. After she got in the back, she couldnt figure out how to shut the door so a guy came over and shut it after he asked her if she needed a ride. She said no, when he asked and was pretty upset, she crawled into the front seat when he went to hug her and he shut the door after I gave him a good stinkeye. We took off and I looked over a minute later to see that she was crying. I gave her a box of kleenex and asked if she was OK, she said the guy had followed her into the bathroom and pulled his dick out, it really upset her. At this point I stopped and she looked at me like I was crazy and she was scared. I asked if she wanted me to turn around and kick his ass. She looked at me in disbelief for a second and I indicated I was completely serious. She said no, and seemed to really cheer up, she started teasing me about kicking his ass and then decided we needed to go to Steak and Shake, where she bought me onion rings and sweet tea. By the time I got her home, she was happy and laughing and kissed me on the cheek right before she got out. I couldnt even talk when she did it, and that amused her further. It felt good to make her feel better.

Next trip: I get a call from an odd little bar in Fishers. It took me a few minutes to find it but I did and a guy and two women came walking out. The guy was Fabulously Gay and told me he was entrusting his two finest bitches to me, I should be careful with them. I agreed and one of the women quickly pointed out that they werent hookers. I said "Yeah, because when I look at him, I think Pimp!" and they cracked up. The ride was fairly normal until the end, the woman up front with me told me I was handsome and that she had something she wanted to give me. I was a little WTF about it, especially when she started crying. She pulled this little angel mounted in lucite out of her massive purse and told me her husband had died 6 days ago, that she had been given this angel by her grandma 6 years ago and that I was very handsome and she wanted me to have it. I dodnt know what to say but it seemed rude to refuse, so I took it. They got out and went into the house and I texted the gay pimp to tell him what happened and ask if I should keep it or would she be wanting it back. He said he didnt know but took my number in case she does.

Next ride: Score! a trip from Fishers to Lawrence, which means pretty near where we live. Thats pretty rare. I got the guy home, then drove by the hospital where a wonderful friend works to see if she was there and could use a hug. She wasnt, so I headed home and I am here now getting ready to go to bed.

Im oddly drained from the emotional shit of the past 3 hours, its weird. But it feels OK.

New things...

Ive been having a good run with Uber lately. he money is good and I have been having a lot of interesting pasengers. I think Ive even made a friend or two.

Last night one of the Pacers got a ride with me. We went from the airport to his apartment building. I went around back to move some stuff so he could put a bag in the back of the van and stood next to him for a minute, this cat was a full head taller than I am. Im a big dude, Im not used to people making me feel short at all so I was rather amused by it. He was too. I moved the front seat all the way forward and he sat behind the passengers seat, he looked like a huge praying mantis folded in there. He was a nice guy, we talked a little and got him home safe.

Right before that, I picked up a very nice girl I have given a ride to once before. In fact, it was almost exactly 24 hours after I picked her up for the first time that I went to the same hotel and got her again to take home. She's very nice, I told her about the blog and we talked a lot on the way to her house, I gave her a business card and she said she would email me to see the blog, I'll probably share my Facebook too.

Remember a while back I ordered one of those broad spectrum light bulbs, the type that are used to help with SAD and the like? I put it in the lamp on my desk and I think its helping. I dont seem to be as depressed this winter, its not hitting me as hard. Im still pretty fucking tired of winter and want it to die in a fire, but not as badly as past winters. I think Im going to get another bulb and put it in the lamp beside the bed.

Im giving the fishtank a thorough cleaning. Ive had a couple of fish die, I think I neglected the tank for too long and the water got too bad for them. I feel badly about that and have resolved to either take better care of them or find them a new home. I have also adopted a Kenyan Sand Boa, she is doing well I suppose, she stays hidden most of the time. I need a bigger water dish for her, but I have someone somewhere.

There isnt much else going on. Im following the political happenings and am, as always, disgusted by the antics of the GOP. Im really hoping Trump doesnt get elected, I cant afford to move to another country :)

Memories...

It was a really slow night tonight Ubering. My last passengers were three really nice girls, college students, and we got to talking. It was a fairly long ride and they were talking about a bad date one of them had the night before. Then one of them asked me what was the worst date I ever had and I related the following story:

It was about ten years ago, in between my first marriage and when I met Amy. I was on OKCupid and hit it off with this girl. We decided to go on a date. She told me I needed to pick her up, she didnt have a car, and she wanted me to pick her up in the front of her apartment complex. Sketchy, but OK.

I got there and she was on her phone. She got into my truck and waved hello and kept talking. We had agreed to go to a place near there so I headed to the restaurant and she kept talking. I was listening and it wasnt anything that was an emergency or anything, just regular life stuff. After about 5 minutes she got off the phone and we talked a bit, she seemed distracted and I asked if everything was OK. She said yes, and we arrived and went in to eat.

Right after we ordered, her phone rang again and she took the call. She talked until the food came and then hung up and ate. We both ordered fairly expensive dinners, I remember that, but I dont remember what we ate. We talked for maybe 10 minutes as we ate and, you guessed it, her phone rang again and she answered it. She talked as I ordered dessert and ate most of it. She talked as I told her I was going to the bathroom. She shushed me when I said that.

Oh, hell no. I bounced.

I hit the bathroom, went out the door and got into the truck. Bitch was still on her phone. I watched as the waiter brought her the check. She continued talking. I drove home.

About ten minutes later I get a text. "Where are you? The check is here!"

I was at a friends house talking BIG shit about her and laughing by this point. She told me to block her. I said no and texted back. "I'm at my friends house, thanks for dinner and being so fucking rude. I figure you can call someone to get you home, you obviously have a lot of friends who want to talk to you."

She starts blowing my phone up with texts and calls. Im playing the voicemails back for my friend and a group of people and we are all LOL'ing hard. after about half an hour the calls and texts stop. I had a nice evening among friends and went home to 3 emails full of madness at me. One more LOL, I deleted them and blocked her on my phone and OKC. That's the last I heard from her.

I do know she paid for dinner...

New Years Eve

So...last night Ubering. I started out about 7pm and went until almost 8:30am because I kept getting ride after ride at the end of the shift. I was trying for a goal I had set early in the night but I fell $14 short when I got suddenly what I call "stupid tired" and had to stop driving. I averaged $23 an hours, so I'll accept that.

The night started off nicely, a few big groups headed to bars or parties and a couple of people headed to work or home from work. Lots of good conversation and listening as people talked. The guy who told his female friend to go ahead and buy cats was legendary, I told that story the rest of the night.

The night took an ugly turn just after midnight when, for the next 3-4 hours, all I hauled around were dumbfucks who didnt know how to handle their alcohol for the most part. The people that stick out were:

I punched a guy in the face. I was called to an address and met by a group of cops. One of them said he was glad it was me, I thought we knew each other, but it turned out he meant he was glad I was male and big. They had a couple that had been kicked out of a house party and needed to go home. He asked if I was good with that and I walked to the woman for a minute and get the address, she was fairly coherent. I agreed I would take them and they got in and we left. For the next ten minutes they guy tried to explain what happened while she said they would talk about it when they got home, then she just snapped. Turns out he had turned into an asshole among the people from her work and they had called the cops, now she was really embarrassed. He explained that they had no lives and were white trash, she pointed out they were just like her. He agreed and I thought "Bad move, dickhead"

She went the fuck off. For the next few minutes it was verbal abuse going back and forth and then he said he would punch her in the face. At this point I stepped in. I informed them that the first punch I saw thrown would result in the ride ending and the cops being called. This quieted them down for all of a minute and then it started again. Then he threw a punch.

I stopped in the middle of 38th street, a 6 lane busy road, and jumped out. This guys first indication there was a problem was when I grabbed the back of his collar, lifted him out of the van and threw him onto the median onto the grass. He looked very surprised. A cop was a few cars back and turned his lights on and came up behind us. I explained the situation and gave him the address of the pickup, he got on his radio and confirmed the story after cuffing the guy. He then told me the guy would be going to jail. I turned to the woman and told her I would take care of her and get her home if she wanted, and he lost his shit. He started yelling about how I was saying I would fuck her and ran at me for a headbutt. So I punched him in the face. While he was handcuffed. Not my proudest moment, but I hate being headbutted. The cop looked at me and I pretty much said sorry and looked down, he said it was OK and put the guy in his car. I took the woman home and she tipped me $20 because she was so embarrassed, apologizing again and again.

Another couple argued all the way home because apparently someone called her a bitch and he didnt do anything about it. He pointed out that the girl who called her a bitch had several male friends along and what did she want him to do? Also he pointed out that she didnt do anything about it either, I figured that was a pretty fair point. Equality and all...

I picked up a very cute gay man who talked on his phone about going to a place that would be very busy at 5am. I asked if I could ask where might be busy at 5am, he asked if I had ever heard of a gay bathhouse in a very tenative voice. I said "Yeah, Club Indy over on Capitol Ave?" and the amazement on his face was hilarious. He asked is I was gay and I said "Not that I know of" and he laughed. We talked for a while as he assessed the amount of knowledge I had about the local gay culture, bars and such. As I dropped him off, he invited me to go to Club Indy with him. I told him I couldnt but that it had nothing to do with him, I needed to get home to sleep since I had been driving for almost 12 hours. I did plan at that point to go home but it didnt work out that way. I think he took one of my cards, they have my number and email on them.

I had a very cool discussion about polyamory and being poly with a girl who was curious about it. She and her friend started talking about it and I heard a little misleading info go back and forth so I volunteered some corrections and they started asking questions. I told them I could only offer answers from my particular version of poly and they were fascinated to find out that there were no hard and fast rules but that each couple can pretty much customize it for themselves. They asked about my wife and girlfriends and rules and such, I was happy to share and we had a very nice ride.

So all in all it wasnt a terrible night, just a good night with a few brutal hours in the middle of it. For the amount of money I made, I'll take that. I wouldnt want nights like that all the time but for a big night once in a while, Im good.

Reboot...

OK, so I have failed as a journal keeper again. Time for a reboot. Im going to start sharing my Uber stories here as well as daily life stuff. Here we go.

Last night there was an incident that I didnt Facebook about. I was near Broad Ripple headed towards downtown and waiting for a rider when I noticed a Lexus SUV. I noticed it because it sat at a green light for a good 10 seconds before moving. I started paying attention and within 2 blocks the Lexus had gone into oncoming traffic, swerved back and almost hit a parked car and slowed to around 15mph.

I turned the Uber app off and dialled 911. When they answered I told them I was behind a very drunk driver on College Ave and gave the cross street. The 911 lady asked me for a plate number and I gave it, she gave me the usual caution about not putting myself or others in dnger and I assured her I wouldnt. I continued to follow the SUV for about 10 minutes through the Broad Ripple and Butler/Tarkington areas. I was giving our location every minute or so and she was typing frantically and the SUV was swerving all over the place, speeding up and slowing down, and generally being a drunk driver.

After another few minutes I saw the familiar headlights of a police car behind me a couple of blacks back. I told the operator I had my arm out the window and was waving and the cop car came roaring up behind me and stopped even with me at a stoplight. I pointed to the SUV and the cop get in behind him and started following. For about 3 blocks the dude was all over the place and another cop car showed up. The operator told me we could hang up but to please stay in the area in case the officers needed me to say what I had seen.

They lit him up and I cruised past and I circled the block and stopped about a hundred yards behind them. After a few minutes I saw the driver get pulled out and sat on the curb, he could barely stand. One of the cops noticed me and started walking back towards me, I got out and talked to him, telling him I was the one who dialled 911 and he said they didnt need me, they had the kid on video clearly acting the fool.

I took a chance at this point. I asked the officer in a half joking tone of voice if he thought the kid would get in very much trouble. He said no, daddy would likely buy him out of it, he was a Butler student and the SUV told of a rich family. I said "Well, you move him out of the car cameras and give me one punch and he will at least suffer a little". The officer laughed and I did too but he didnt know I was serious. I would have hit that dude in the face with my entire soul if he had let me. This assmunch could easily have killed someone and he likely will be set free to do it again.

Between this incident and having to drive in Carmel for 90 minutes or so I was pissed off for a good three or four hours. I hate rich and entitled fucktards and I had to deal with them a lot last night. In Carmel I was awestruck by the architecture and grandness of some of the houses, but the people who lived in them were complaining about the house and how they couldnt wait to move to a bigger place. This was a house that looked like a fucking castle, Spanish design with turrets and a slate roof, likely at least 5 bedrooms, a 4 car garage and a huge yard.

This is also when the Carmel police incident I Facebooked about happened. Fuck every one of those people and Fuck Carmel too. I wont go there willingly again. If I get a rider from downtown to Carmel I will get in and out as fast as I can.

I have no time or patience for that level of stupidity...

Alternators and Punches

So. The alternator in the truck went out a few days ago. We were hoping it was the battery cable and after what should have been a simple replacement turned into a 6 hour odyssey that ended with us on the side of the highway it was decided the alternator had to be replaced. Today I went to a junkyard and pulled an alternator out of a truck and with a little help, put it into mine. Fingers crossed that it works well.

The truck debacle cost me a lot of hours at work. I totally missed the Slipknot show and an overnight and was very late to the Chris Brown show. I figured I had dodged a bullet after hearing about the number of people carted, carried and fought out the back gate at Slipknot.

Wrong.

I dont understand something. Why would someone pay a lot of money for a concert ticket and then come to the show and proceed to get trashed drunk and show their ass? You might as well have set that ticket money on fucking fire. Part of it is that it makes my life as concert security more difficult, but most of it is the sheer stupidity of paying upwards of $75-$100 for a ticket and then not getting to see the whole show or getting arrested or winding up at first aid. There are a few exceptions, of course. The people who genuinely get dehydrated/sick/heat exhausted and need to go to first aid. I saw and helped a few of them, including one hauntingly beautiful blonde girl who was about as big as one of my legs. She was dehydrated and a little drunk, I led her back to the first aid trailer and gave her a bottle of water. She stayed there a while and then left after another bottle of water. Later she came back with her friend and thanked me for helping her, that was nice.

There were a LOT of drunk people and people who were just plain fucking idiots. Like the guy who is/was a cop for a local town. He started a fight with 4 security guys and then continued it with 3 cops, including a man so large he made me feel very small. It didnt end well for the drunk cop, he got taken to the ground and then taken away in cuffs.

I also had an incident that directly affected me. Towards the end of the night I was working the incident area gate. My job was to keep people who didnt belong from going backstage and keep the area in general clear so that the security guys and cops who were escorting people back to first aid or the holding area had a clear path to get there. My supervisor comes around the corner with a woman who was clearly shitfaced. She was yelling and fighting and he was alone so I went to help him and grabbed this woman by the arm my supervisor didnt have a hold of. She looks over at me and all of a sudden Im this white motherfucker who is laying hands on her and a racist and an evil “cracker ass cracker”. That last part tickled me for some reason and I started laughing. My supervisor looks at me like “Really? Now you have to laugh?” and her arm slips from his grasp. I turn and all I see is a huge fist coming right for me.

Shit.

I ducked my head and turned it a little so that she hit the hardest part of my head, but it still hurt a little. She started flailing and kicking and he got her arm back but this wasnt a small woman and we are now in trouble and looking for help. I see help coming but they are still 50 or so feet away when I look and here comes this bitch getting ready to bite me. Open mouth, growling, teeth bared, she is going to bite the fuck out of my upper arm.

Fuck that noise.

I reached back with my left hand and hit her. Thats generally a no-no in the security world, hitting someone, but I felt justified. I was in fear of being hurt badly. I hit her with my left hand and pulled the punch a little, got her right about three inches in front of the bottom of the ear. The punch served two immediate purposes: It got her to stop trying to bite me and it took her attention away from fighting just long enough for two cops to reach us and help. Then, of course, this bitch went ballistic. They almost had to taze her to get her to stop fighting. It wasnt pretty. When it was over someone, I dont remember who, pointed out to me the irony of hitting a woman at a Chris Brown concert.

Just my luck that three coworkers were nearby and heard that. I was teased pretty hard the rest of the night. I have mixed feelings about it. I wish I hadnt punched her but Im very glad I didnt get bitten. I suppose my mixed feelings says something about me as a person but damned if I know what. Im not going to analyze it, Im just going to move on and hope it doesnt happen again.