Disclaimer: I am not going to do anything to hurt myself. This is just a brain dump brought on by reading and too much time to think.
My depression
I posted something on Facebook earlier about depression. A guy on Reddit wrote a very good post about living with depression and what its like. I decided to write about me and my depression and get it out. This isnt going to be fun and its already scaring the shit out of me. Im going way out of my comfort zone here so please bear with me if I start to ramble or not make sense. I am just writing what comes into my head when I think of things. Here we go.
My depression is like a weight. It feels like ten thousand pounds bearing down on me sometimes. I can feel the weight pushing me down and sometimes I can even see it above me.
My depression convinces me that people who say they love me or care about me really dont. I know that people who say they are there for me or like me or worry about me really dont. Thats just what you say to someone who is like me. I mean, what are you going to say to someone who is depressed, tell them to jump off a building or shoot themselves? No, you say that you care and worry even when you dont. Its just what you do. I know that no one would miss me if I was gone or care. My depression tells me so.
When dealing with someone who is battling depression there are a few things you really shouldnt do. Dont tell me to "snap out of it" or "just be happy and cheer up". Really? I can just be happy and cheer up? Wow, why didnt I think of that? I suppose in your world someone with cancer can just "snap out of it" and be well too, right? Thats not how it works, and it makes me feel guilty and bad about myself when someone tells me that. I feel like I am supposed to just be happy and that there is something wrong with me that I cant.
Dont treat a depressed person like a little kid or someone who needs special treatment. Kid gloves arent required and I can pretty much promise you that nothing you say is going to make a depressed person snap and start killing everyone around them. Im not proud of or happy about being depressed and being treated like Im a freak or different somehow doesnt help at all. Maybe I am different, I mean not everyone wants to die and doesnt want to kill themselves. But that doesnt mean you need to be afraid or treat me differently.
My depression makes me want to hide and isolate myself. I sit on the couch and watch tv or sit at my computer doing very little to nothing for hours, even days. I want to go to events, hang out with friends, see and do stuff but my depression makes me feel like I cant and that it would be better to just sit here.
My depression makes me do things I am ashamed of. I go days without bathing, brushing my teeth or changing clothes. I eat like shit and feel like I am fat and gaining weight all the time. I eat things that are bad for me and I know it. Maybe if I eat badly enough or enough to make me sick I can die and it wont be my fault. Before I met my wife and had weight loss surgery my plan was to eat myself to death slowly. I damn near succeeded. I weighed somewhere near 700 pounds at my highest weight. I had heart problems, full blown type 2 diabetes, hypertension and couldnt climb a flight of stairs without stopping for a rest on the way. I wanted to die. I have no idea why I didnt. Sometimes I still wish I had.
Yes, I want to die. Im not afraid of it, but I am not going to do anything to cause it either. Im too scared to. When someone I know or someone I read about dies I am jealous. they know what its like to die and start over. I want to start over and do this fucked up life right next time.
My depression makes me tired. I am exhausted all the time. I sleep a lot but it isnt good sleep. Sure I can drug myself and get 8-10 hours of sleep easily but when I wake up and I just as exhausted as when I went to sleep.
I wish I had someone who would just sit with me. Who would watch tv or movies and let me cry on them and just be there. Someone who wouldnt try to solve anything or make anything better but who would just be there with me.
My depression can be battled with music. Music has saved my life a few times. Music is the closest thing to a religion I will ever have.
My depression doesnt scare me. Its like an old friend now. Sometimes I feel like its the only friend I have. Especially when its convincing me of something I know in my heart isnt true but that my fucked up brain buys into completely. Im not sure I know how to exist without my depression. Its been part of me for so long and has fucked me up so completely and efficiently that I cant imagine being without it any more
This is the hardest thing I have ever written. Im so scared of sharing it. Part of me isnt nervous at all because it knows that no one will care. But part of me, a small part, still wants to believe. Still wants to believe that someone cares or worries or likes me.
That small part is probably why I am still alive.
I care. I will sit with you. I could have written this. It is knowing people like you and realizing I am not alone-that's why I am still alive.
ReplyDeleteI miss you so much since we reconnected. I used to think of you occasionally anyway and wonder how you were but then we got back in touch and had that lunch and I have missed you and thought about you a lot since then. I wish we were closer
DeleteI feel the same way. I deal with more than depression, but the result is the same. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI know you do, and I think about you a lot. For what its worth I think youre brave and that you rock and I am glad we are friends
DeleteI love you. You are so brave to write this.
ReplyDeleteYou are my inspiration. You are the reason I am alive today more than anything else in the world. You saved me and I will love you forever.
DeleteBill, a lot of what you wrote here hit home. Much of what I suffer every day can be linked to depression. The food issues, the lack of care for myself, the lack of energy or ambition, the feelings of worthlessness, the sadness. I actually look forward to the numbness because it means I'm not feeling that crushing sadness all the time.
ReplyDeleteI can't offer any ideas or suggestions, but I don't imagine you expect that. All I can say is that you're not alone. I think about you often and hope that you'll hold on. I'm sure it's worth it, I just wish I felt that it was. Isn't it funny how emotion is so much more powerful than thought?
I do care, sweetie.
I knew we recognized each other for a reason when we first met. We became online friends very quickly and I suspect we would have offline too, I really hope I can get up to Chicago and see you one day. I have a few reasons to visit up there now, maybe this summer *ponder*
DeleteI dont get the numbness most of the time, I am stuck with the weight and crushing feelings. I wish I could be Vulcan and have logic trump all, emotions and thoughts are really overrated.
I am glad we are friends. I am also glad we dont agree on everything, you keep me honest and make me think :)