One of my favorite movies is The Big Lebowski. I watch it often and there's a scene where The Dude has finally had enough and snaps on Walter. He wonders why everything is such a "fuckin travesty" with Walter.
Sometimes I identify with Walter. It seems at times like everything I try turns into a fucking travesty. From talking to women to managing my life to what would seem to be the simple act of getting through a single day, there are times I honestly wonder if I can touch anything without fucking it up.
In the past this has really affected me negatively. My thoughts would spiral downwards and get darker and darker and at times I would hurt myself or lash out and hurt others with words. But then the other day I had sort of an epiphany. I realized that no matter how much of a fucking travesty I felt like my life was, I actually have it fairly decent compared to a lot of people. I have a few people in my life I feel I can utterly trust and a few more that I think are genuine friends. A lot of folks dont have even that. I have the love of more than one woman, more than one dog and more than one cat. I have what is a good place to live even though I dont like it much.
Since I realized this I have started to change the way I think. Its going to be an ongoing process and Im not sure where it will take me eventually. I dont think Im going to wind up happy, I honestly dont think I have that in me given the way my brain works, but Im pretty sure I am going to end up less sad and depressed all the time. That would be really nice.
Im going to do my best not to let this turn into a travesty. I hope I dont fuck this up...
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