Begun, the workouts have. I weighed myself tonight, had a picture taken of me and went to the gym for the first serious time. GLLA is in late August and I want to be down under 300 pounds.
I fucking weigh 368 pounds. 368. That number keeps ringing in my head. It sounds like a bell made of failure and Fuck You. I didnt have weight loss surgery and go through the year afterwards so I could weigh 368 pounds. I didnt suffer like I did, learn to eat again, cry and want to kill myself because it hurt so bad and because I wanted to eat so bad just to carry my ass back to 368 pounds. I didnt go from near death, raging diabetes, dangerously high blood pressure and being unable to walk a flight of steps without a cat at the top meowing encouragement at me (yes, seriously. Ask Amy if you dont believe me.) just to go back to 368 pounds.
It could be worse. I was convinced I was over 400. If I had been, it would have sent me to a deep dark place I dont even want to think about any more. It took me damn near a week to get up the courage to step on that scale I was so sure. I know I scared Amy talking about it. I made sure to weigh while she was here so she wouldnt be worrying.
Tonight at the gym I started off with 5 minutes in the tanning bed. That got me warm pretty much and hopefully didnt make the burns I got when I jumped to ten minutes any worse. I think tanning is going to help with my depression, I have been 5-6 times over the past week or so and I can feel it starting to ease up a little. I see my brain doc tomorrow and get refills on my sleeping pills and antidepressant boosters so that should help too.
After the tan I walked for 15 minutes on the treadmill. I varied the speed and could never really figure out the right speed to walk at consistently. In 15 minutes I did .56 of a mile. I think I may switch that part up and walk for distance instead of time and keep track of how much time it takes to go, say, .75 of a mile to start. I dont like the treadmill, for some reason it made me dizzy. When it gets warmer I will probably start walking outside or find a track or something.
Then I got on a recumbent bike and did a mile. That took almost 6 minutes, clocking in at 5:56. I have no idea if this is good or not but I hurt a little after the mile so I stopped there.
Then it was time for the sauna. I spent about 15 minutes inside, sweating like a Republican at a truth telling contest and drinking water. I didnt drink enough apparently, Im cramping a little in my foot. Must remember to drink more water.
Now the real test. Lets see how I feel when I wake up, if I can walk tomorrow. I remain optomistic...
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