Bitch, Please!

Update: That chick was hilarious. She thought getting loud with me in public would back me down. Bitch, please. Wrong guy, wrong situation. The conversation went like this:

Dog Lady (DL): Why are you leaning on my car? Ohmygod, did you hit it?
Me: No, I was counting down 5 minutes before I broke your window and took that dog.
DL: (confused look) What?
Me: This is your car, right? So thats your dog?
DL: Yes
Me: You had about a minute left before I broke this window and took that dog. You cant be leaving a dog in a car on a hot day like today.
DL: You were going to break into my car?
Me: Yep. If you dont start the car and turn on the AC right now I still might.
DL: (Yelling loudly and pushing into my space)YOU WERE GOING TO BREAK INTO MY CAR!?
Me: (Right in her face, I mean I could smell her breath) YES, I WAS GOING TO BREAK INTO YOUR FUCKING CAR AND STEAL THAT DOG. YOU DONT LEAVE A DOG IN A CAR ON A HOT DAY LIKE TODAY!
DL: IM CALLING 911
Me: (In a reasonable voice) Go right ahead. When they get here I will tell them whats going on and laugh as they deal with you.
DL: (Gets into her car and starts it as she talks to 911. I can tell she is thinking of driving off so I walk around and stand behind her car. She would have to hit me to leave now)
Me: (Writes down her plate number and the make/model of the car)
DL: Get out of the way, Im leaving.
Me; (Pleasantly) Fuck you.
Strange Voice: Actually I called 911 about twenty minutes ago. On my way into the store. I gave them your plate number and car type.
DL and I both look around to see a older black lady (OBL) with a very large hat on. I notice a police car pulling into the parking lot.
Me: Looks like they are here

The cop pulls up and DL proceeds to tell him that I have been "talking shit" and threatening her. Policeman looks at me like "Well?"

Me: Technically I never threatened her. I told her I would have broken into her car and taken her dog if she hadnt come out within a minute of when she had.
Cop: And would you have?
DL: (makes a snorting noise like “He’s busted”)
Me: Yes I would have. She had 43 seconds left. I set a timer on my phone.
OBL: She was in that store for at least 20 minutes. Thats when I called 911.
Cop: (Gives DL a really dirty look) Ma’am, do you know how hot it is today? Already?
DL: He was going to break into my car!
Cop: You left a dog in a hot car while you shopped. Thats illegal, ma’am. Statute (string of numbers and letters)
DL: But, but
Cop: I wish I could give you a ticket, but I didnt actually see the dog in the hot car. You’re lucky.
DL: He also said Fuck You to me.
Me: (Utterly without thinking) At least I didnt call her a bitch.
Cop: (Look over at me) Not helping
Me: Shutting up, now.
Cop: The dog seems OK. (petting the dog) Why dont we just call this a misunderstanding and you guys leave in different directions.
DL: (About to start whining now) But...
Cop: Or I can start writing tickets and arresting people
DL: FINE! (The bitch actually stamped her foot at this point. The cop and I both laughed a little)
Cop: (Looks at me) You cant be just breaking into cars. Call 911 next time.
Me: Thanks, Officer. I will.
Cop: You guys have a nice day now. (Gets in his car and pulls off slowly)

I stood there until DL was out of sight and gave her the stinkeye. OBL touched my arm and told me I was a good person and walked on to her car.

Im home safe now. And not going to let that bitch ruin my day.