Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Daddy Issues and other various things...

I have been thinking a lot about my Daddy side lately. I think in the new year I am going to try and nurture that side of me and see what happens with it. A few things and experiences of varying degrees brought these feelings on.

In the past month or so I have met three women who are into Daddy/girl play of one form or another. It fascinating the differences there can be in the same basic dynamic. One is very closeted about it and is almost shy about talking about it but when you bring out the incest roleplay and talk it gets her going in a major way. The taboo of it totally turns her on. Another has self professed Daddy issues and it really gets her off to be talked to like she is a little girl being spoken to by her father. The third really loves role play and slips into it unconsciously at times during conversations. Whether sexual or not she loves the roleplay.

There is another girl too, a friend I have had for years. We have an on and off Uncle/niece relationship that isnt sexual at all. She is a little with me and I am her protector and Big person. We have been to dinner in these roles and it was amazing. She was concerned that someone might make fun of her teddy bear and rainbow socks and I was able to assure her that no one would be doing that while I was around her. It felt good to be her protector, its a feeling I like a lot. We talked tonight, in fact, and agreed that we were going to get together soon and talk about furthering our Big/little relationship. That felt good. She is in another state about to have emergency surgery and I was totally ready to drive there and take her a stuffed animal she loves because she needed it. Thats the amount of protectiveness the right girl can inspire in me. It really pushes buttons deep inside me if its the right person. I say person because there have been guys that have pushed these buttons too. Thats another angle of this thing I hope to explore one day.

Dont get me wrong, I am still a huge sadist. Giving pain is still a major turn on for me and I think it always will be. I have a bit of a reputation in our circles as a heavy player and someone to be more or less feared. I enjoyed that for a long time but I think now its time to change the rules of the game and take a look at the softer side of me. I still want to play heavy and there are a few things I want to do that I dont know if I will ever find the right person to do them with, but the more sensual and seductive forms of play have become more and more interesting to me lately.

On New Years Eve, the three scenes I had with TallGingerGirl were indicative of this. The spanking part of our play wasnt very heavy, it was pretty sensual. The midnight kiss it got me was fucking amazing too, lip and tongue bite and all. The violet wand part of the scene was really fun, but a lot of that was the talking and laughing we were doing, I enjoyed that as much as anything else. The hitachi part of the evening was just hot as fuck and had the added good feeling of her telling me I was one of the three people she would trust do do that with her.

Another thing that is interesting to me. I have almost completely stopped confusing my protective side with the White Knight that lives inside me. They are vastly different. The White Knight is, for lack of better words, fucking stupid. He does what he does in hopes of winning approval from people who I most of the time shouldnt be seeking approval from anyway. I have recently ended all contact with the last two of these people in my life and I feel pretty good about it. It feels good to have recognized that my White Knight has limits and was exceeding them and doing more harm than good. I dont need to be trying to rescue or fix anyone, I can barely take care of my fucking self.

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Speaking of the New Year, I have set a few goals for the coming year. Im not calling them resolutions because they really arent, its just stuff I want to do and in some cases should have done long ago. I really need to get my shit together.

Im planning to join a gym at some point. So far the money hasnt been right for me to but I have the gym picked out and its open 24/7 so I can go at odd hours as my sleep schedule allows and figure out a workout that helps me as well as swimming and tanning and hot tubbing. I think it will help my depression and my general health, I have put on weight again this winter without meaning to and need to lose it.

I have emptied the Kindle of books and am going to download books to it as I read them. My goal is to read at least 8 books this year, new books that I have never read before.

I want to get a decent job. I find myself longing for a 9-5 type thing, something I never thought I would want. A regular schedule, decent pay and maybe even benefits.

We will see what becomes of all this. I also want to take more pictures and write more both here and in my other journal. Those things I am pretty sure I can do...

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