Nana

This is a post about my grandmother. It started out as a chat I had with a wonderful new person in my life and I realized I have been wanting to talk about my grandma here for a long time. You guys didnt know her and you missed out because of that. Here is my post about her:

My grandma was my rock.
She raised me and was the only one who truly loved me. I can say that because I have solid evidence but its not something I can share with people. Maybe two or even three people in my entire life have that story.

My grandma called me once and asked me to come see her. I quit my job and flew(!) to see her. I dont fly. I hate it. If I was gonna die and the cure was a plane ride away I would drive
but for her, I flew.

We spent a week together. I did my stuff during the day while she slept off pain drugs and meds, but at 6pm every night we made iced tea and met on the porch and talked. We talked of her life, my life, everything. I told her everything I ever wanted to, she told me everything she needed to.

The day before I flew home we went to a BBQ joint. South Carolina is famous for its BBQ joints and this was one of the best. I was invited to tour the kitchen, she got cold while I was back there and went outside, where she stepped off the curb and broke her hip. I feel terrible guilt about that to this day at times. I should have been there.

I quit another job and delayed my return three days while she had hip replacement surgery. I got her settled to my satisfaction and came back to Indiana. One week later I was on a plane again to go to her funeral.

She knew. She knew she was going to die and called me, I went and I am forever glad I did.
When she died, the rest of the bio family died with her, at least to me they did. My chosen family here is what I have now. My wife and poly partners. My BDSM family. You know who you are and I fucking love every one of you. Yes, even you, asshole.

Karma?

I did something today that I normally wouldnt do.

I was at a gas station and when I pulled in I was grumpy and in a bad space, I just wanted to sit still for a while and it wasnt happening in the immediate future, not by a long shot. I noticed a very pretty woman unbuckling a kid from the back of a minivan and heading into the gas station, I think I admired her thighs and thats about it.

I got inside and bought a snack for the road and was paying for my gas when I heard the woman ask for $5 on the pump she was at. She was driving an older model minivan, she had a kid in it and was only buying $5 in gas, it was clearly all she could afford. I didnt even think about it, after she left I talked to the clerk and had him add an extra $20 on to the pump for her. He did and I walked out and told her the pump wasnt going to stop at $5 but was going to $25 and she and her little girl should enjoy the gas with a ride somewhere. She immediately looked at me mike I was some sort of creep or rapist and I could see her forming an escape plan in her mind so I backed off a few steps and said "Its OK, I just paid for you some extra gas. Have a good day and be safe".

Well, she started crying right there and gave me a hug. Unexpected. But I held her for a second and let her cry on me and when she pulled away I told her she was welcome and left. Immediately I felt better about myself, my day and my life.

I went on to give a new friend a few 10 gallon aquariums I had and her husband went into the truck and gave me some apple orchard honey from their bees. It smells amazing and I bet its going to be magical in some hot tea. Leaving there, I was right by an old friends house whom I havent seen in way too long, so I stopped by. Much laughter and conversation and reconnecting happened, it was a beautiful thing. Somewhere along in here I read a response from a small email I had sent which led to meeting a new friend and having an epic hours long conversation with her via text, Gchat, email and Fetlife mail. It was very nice. Later, I went to the bank and to get gas for the wife in her car and on the way home I drove by a neighborhood bar and saw the car of a friend that I havent talked to in way too long. I Uturned and parked and went in and she and I spent about a half hour talking and catching up and laughing, that was very cool.

A lot of good stuff happened after I helped that woman out. Im wondering if it would have happened anyway or did I help it happen by putting some good out to the universe? It could go either way, I think. Im not sure if I believe in karma or not, but I definitely respect the ideas of those who do and fully admit it could go either way.

Here we are....and here we go

So once again its been a long time since I have written here. Big surprise, right? I dont know why I cant make myself write here more often, when I do it I feel better about things, even if only for a short time.

Major changes are afoot in my life.

The wife/sub and I have decided to redo our entire BDSM relationship. Starting pretty much from the ground up. We have really fallen away from it for a long time now and it is badly in need of attention, so this is a good thing. About two years ago we decided to open our relationship and try being poly. It has really helped and strengthened us and is going stronger than ever. I embraced the poly lifestyle pretty soon after we decided that, she has recently started dating her first partner and is very happy. I have also met someone within the last six months and am very much in love and happier than I have been in a long time. The wife and I agreed that being poly has helped our relationship a lot and then took a look at our BDSM relationship and decided it was lacking. So we are starting over.

I am going to make more of an effort to be the type of Dominant she needs, to fill more of her needs in that area. It might not be easy, but I need to try and I am sure I can do it. I think it will also help me in my newer relationship so that will be good too. Its definitely going to be a learning experience and I suspect that once I get into it, I will wish I had done this a long time ago.

The bees are back. I have talked before this about sometimes feeling that there are a million bees all buzzing in my head at the same time, to many thoughts, ideas and concerns get together and create something like a white noise that makes it hard to focus at times. Commencing brain dump to try and get rid of some of them in the next few paragraphs:

I have been fighting depression again. My particular brand of depression is a motherfucker, it gets inside my head and sings sweet songs to me that are total lies, but that I cannot help but believe. It makes me think that no one could possibly love me, that no one would miss me if I were gone. That I shouldnt believe anyone who says they have feelings for me, and in a new twist my depression is trying to make me turn to food to solve the hurt. Depression hasnt done this to me since about 15 years ago and then I wound up shooting up to almost 700 pounds and was about half a step from dying. It sucked and I have come so far that I will be damned if I am going back.

The amount of affection being shown to me in my new relationship is amazing. I have never been the focus of anything like it. It makes me uncomfortable at times but Katrina has a way of taking my discomfort away and putting me at ease. I decided a while back to go all in with this, I will have no doubts or hesitations and will believe that I am worth it. I have been doing well on that score, especially for me. I am completely and utterly in love with her.

I have found a vehicle. In six days I will take possession of a 1998 Buick Roadmaster Wagon if all goes well. According to everything I can google up, this is simply a battleship on wheels. I have a feeling I will be enjoying it immensely. It will be good to have some wheels of my own, I havent felt right since I havent had my own vehicle. I am very lucky in that when I got a job my father in law basically gave me his truck to use as I needed it but there is nothing like your own set of wheels, man.

Operation Defuckify The House has commenced. One of my major depression triggers seems to be living in a cluttered house. And I do. So we are going to get this place clean and make a serious effort to keep it that way. Not only will we be able to have people over without being embarrassed, it will make it much happier living here. I am determined to not isolate and hermit myself this winter like I usually do. I have enlisted some help and its going to be a battle but I think I can win.

Black Sabbath and OMGtuesdaytuesdaytuesday

Back from the Black Sabbath concert. It turns out Geezer Butler has a sense of humor. I was leaving the bathroom and walked right into him, I almost stepped on his foot. He stuck his hand out and said loudly "I hope you washed your hands!" to which I responded some form of gibberish and shook his hand. He laughed and moved on towards catering, leaving me standing there with a numb hand and brain.

Post show, I was handed a water bottle by Ozzy. They were on the way to the cars and there was a flurry of drivers and flashlights and people and then here comes Ozzy down the steps. He asked which car was his, Sharon pointed and he moved towards the door I was standing right next to. I shone my flashlight on the ground and couldnt even look at him and all of a sudden he was there and was looking for a place to put his water bottle, saying he didnt want it anymore. I reflexively stuck my hand out and he gave it to me and got in the car, Sharon said "Thank you." and followed him in and I shut the door.

I had to walk away, I almost started crying. He has been a fucking hero of mine for decades. There is an energy about the man. It cannot be put into words. I saw it work more than once tonight. At the meet and greet a woman went to her knees hysterically sobbing because she was in his presence. A 350 pound biker had tears in his eyes telling Ozzy about the show he saw in 1978 when Ozzy signed a framed picture and then sprayed beer all over the crowd causing the ink to run. Ozzy said "We will fix that" and signed that picture, the frame and the guys ticket.

I was side stage when the show started and War Pigs began playing. There are no words for the energy that was in the air when he came out. It has to be that energy that keeps Ozzy Osbourne alive and as healthy as he is. Consider the life he has lead. The drugs, the dangerous activities, all the fun he has had at the expense of his body and brain. there is no way he should be alive right now. I think its that energy that sustains him.It was palpable, you could almost touch it. It surrounds him like an aura and gets bigger and smaller depending on what he is doing.

Call me nuts, but I felt it. I am willing to bet that anyone who can remotely feel such things that has been anywhere hear the man has felt it too.

I also met a fun group of guys in a band that played on the side stage. The name of the band is Phoenix On The Fault Line. They are a heavy metal band with a full horn section. A very fun and interesting group of guys, I talked to them a few times. Im going to find them on Facebook or somewhere and keep track of them.

I also got some fucking amazing news that made me fall down when I heard it and has me still struggling to breathe right but I dont want to jinx anything yet so I cant share it just now. Soon. Tuesdaytuesdaytuesday

The Goings On

My doctor called me today. Just to check on me. When she couldnt get to me she called Amy and left her personal cell phone number for me to call her back. I did and she said that she just wanted to make sure I was doing OK after the biopsy and waking up and that she was worried about me. She also told me that we would have news on the sample by Tuesday and would then plan what comes next. We. Like we are in this together. I like that.

I have been giving a lot of thought to what might happen. Probably too much thought for my broken brain to be doing. I am trying really hard to not dwell on the bad outcomes and mostly succeeding. I have thought about it just enough to try and prepare myself for if this goes bad.

Cancer. I need to say it. I might have cancer. I feel like I have been avoiding saying it and if I do that then the idea, the possibility, they gain power over me. Fuck that noise. I wont let something like that have any power over me. I really dont want to have cancer but if it comes down to it and I do, it wont control or scare me, I will just figure it out and get through it. I really dont want to die, but if it comes down to it, Im not scared of it. I have been to the edge and a little beyond, both by my own hand and the hands of fate on more than one occasion, it simply cant scare me any more. I wont give it that power. It needs to be said. It doesnt, however, need or deserve to be dwelt on.

Something else I have not talked about out of a fear of jinxing it or having things go wrong. I have met someone and come to like her a lot. As usual for my luck, she lives a long way away, over 2000 miles. We talk and Skype and text all the time lately and are really into each other, I think its going to turn into something really good. Amy will always be number one for me and she accepts that without hesitation. I am quite smitten and hopeful. Its a very different sort of relationship than I have ever had.

She has a dark side. Its amazing. I have one too and am very hesitant to let it out very much or show it to people, I have lost friends because they found out how deep it can go. This girl understands, hr dark side runs as deep as mine it seems. Im pretty sure thats rare. I know its amazing. Someone who can understand and share my dark side, talk about it and be trusted to not think I am crazy or run away is very valuable to me. I like the idea of having that in a relationship a lot. Ever since Amy and I first started talking about our relationship and opening things up a little, I have wanted something like I think this is going to turn out to be. I am not interested in one time encounters, one night stands or even really in short term encounters, I want more of an ongoing passion, a relationship with feelings and depth. I had just about come to the conclusion that such a thing didnt exist. I am happy to be well along in the process of being proven wrong. Im still too nervous to use a name or say who she is out of the jinxing fear, I know its silly but its there.

So...the doc said I should know something on Tuesday. Either way the news goes, I will probably hold back a bit and update people accordingly before shouting to the masses on Facebook. Then things will be adjusted accordingly I imagine, though what the adjustments might be escape me totally right now. I am, however, going to be doing a living will and DNR form, something I did before the weight loss surgery and never got filed. I have been meaning to for a long time and now is a good time. They are simple to do and prevent a whole lot of trouble in certain cases. If anyone is interested, I can pass along the forms and web addresses I find for Indiana or other states as needed, just ask.

So these are the happenings in my life right now. Basically in a holding pattern waiting for Tuesday and after that I need to get my shit back together in the second half of this year. I am tired of a lot of things in my life and they need to change. One of them, as always, is writing here more. *sigh*

The Crazy

I was involved in a conversation the other day that has led me to this blog post. We were talking about Crazy Girls and the male habit of sticking their dicks in The Crazy. As one can expect, most people came down on one side of the line and I came down somewhere between on the line and on the other side. 

A word about me and The Crazy. I love it. The Crazy is like Kryptonite to me. I have a serious weakness for Crazy and otherwise dangerous to me women and it has led me to some pretty fucked up situations. I have never been in legal trouble but there have been restraining orders and concealed carry weapons permits involved. And it was totally worth it. 

Here's a life tip for the male readers among you: The Crazy can be and most likely will be the best sex you ever have in your life. Its Ok to stick your dick in The Crazy. Really. It is. Dont let the howls of protest and dismay you might hear from women persuade you otherwise, its really OK. In fact, some of the howling women are Crazy themselves and just putting up a front to make themselves look good. Sneaky, huh? As long as you do it right and have some sense about it. Probably the best tip I can give is the tip I gave during the conversation, it consists of three little words you should know very well before you stick your dick in The Crazy. Those words are Vid, E and O. Video. As in use a camera, phone, tablet, webcam or some other form of media that gets what happens down on tape, hard drive, digital memory or some other form of storage. This way, if (if youre doing this right you can change that to when) the inevitable squabble arises and The Crazy decides to play the Rape card, you have proof of your innocence. Never ever ever ever put your dick in The Crazy without some form of video going. If The Crazy isnt liking that idea, derail the sexy time train and get the fuck out, there is another The Crazy right around the corner who will wholeheartedly approve. Another way of going about this would be to hide a camera somewhere and not tell her its there. I have never personally taken this route but I understand it can work as well and is only slightly illegal. 

I dont speak from experience here, I have never had to face any sort of charges or even rumors about any sexual impropriety. I like to think its because I am careful, chances are it is because Im careful but there is also a big chunk of luck in there too. Whatever, I will take it. I dont mess around a whole lot with The Crazy anymore, I am getting too old for it and also have a few women in my life that I dont want to disappoint. Thats a strange feeling, not wanting to disappoint someone. At least to me. 

Remember me?

OK, so its official, I suck at writing regularly. A lot has happened that I wanted to and should have written about but somehow I just didnt. I feel guilty about that so I have decided to start anew one more time and see if I can do this more regularly. 

Since I last wrote, Elvis the beagle went across the Rainbow Bridge. It was sad but it was time and he was surrounded by people who loved him and had a peaceful passing. We are now fostering a girl beagle named Lady, nicknamed Ladyug or Bug who is a nice and very housetrained beagle. She isnt crate trained and we are working on that, and she wasnt trained to wait for her dinner when we got her but there has been huge progress there. She is a very smart girl where food is involved. Waiting for dinner is this: All the doggies sit and I pour their dinner into their bowls. They remain seated until they are told OK and then they eat. It took Lady maybe 2-3 times to get good at it, she gets pretty excited around dinnertime and can occasionally forget for a second but a look puts her on her butt again. She is really anxious to please. 

Its been getting warmer finally. We had a very nice thunderstorm last night with huge lightning and loud thunder last night, I went out on the porch to sit with it but it was a bit too cold still and I only spent about ten minutes out there. We also had a chance to see Northern Lights about a week ago and I drove way out in the country and parked on a rod. I saw millions of stars but no aurora. I plan to go back there during at least one of the meteor showers we are supposed to have this summer and fall. 

Im hoping to get a tomato plant again this year and at least one pepper plant. Probably some sort of mild pepper, maybe a jalapeno, I did good with those last year. I might look into an onion plant too and I could make salsa if everything grows. We shall see. 

The depression is easing somewhat but the anxiety is very bad lately. I have panic attacks at the thought of doing the simplest stuff, stuff that shouldnt bother me. I dont understand my brain, I wish it just worked and didnt fuck with me all the time.

I have a lead on a good job. I dont want to talk about it a great deal yet, dont want to jinx myself, but I started talking to a guy on Reddit.com and he works for a place that is hiring and I am going to apply there. Decent pay and benefits and the job sounds interesting. Hopefully I get it.

Im really not sure what else to talk about. I havent been doing much at all in the BDSM world, Im not sure if thats going to change soon or not. I am registered for GLLA and have a room at the host hotel and a lot of plans to play and scene with a close friend, that should be a good weekend. I figure I will start slowly going to more stuff again since its getting warmer and ease back into it. 

Thats about it for now. I will be posting more, it feels good to write. I need to keep doing it.