So once again its been a long time since I have written here. Big surprise, right? I dont know why I cant make myself write here more often, when I do it I feel better about things, even if only for a short time.
Major changes are afoot in my life.
The wife/sub and I have decided to redo our entire BDSM relationship. Starting pretty much from the ground up. We have really fallen away from it for a long time now and it is badly in need of attention, so this is a good thing. About two years ago we decided to open our relationship and try being poly. It has really helped and strengthened us and is going stronger than ever. I embraced the poly lifestyle pretty soon after we decided that, she has recently started dating her first partner and is very happy. I have also met someone within the last six months and am very much in love and happier than I have been in a long time. The wife and I agreed that being poly has helped our relationship a lot and then took a look at our BDSM relationship and decided it was lacking. So we are starting over.
I am going to make more of an effort to be the type of Dominant she needs, to fill more of her needs in that area. It might not be easy, but I need to try and I am sure I can do it. I think it will also help me in my newer relationship so that will be good too. Its definitely going to be a learning experience and I suspect that once I get into it, I will wish I had done this a long time ago.
The bees are back. I have talked before this about sometimes feeling that there are a million bees all buzzing in my head at the same time, to many thoughts, ideas and concerns get together and create something like a white noise that makes it hard to focus at times. Commencing brain dump to try and get rid of some of them in the next few paragraphs:
I have been fighting depression again. My particular brand of depression is a motherfucker, it gets inside my head and sings sweet songs to me that are total lies, but that I cannot help but believe. It makes me think that no one could possibly love me, that no one would miss me if I were gone. That I shouldnt believe anyone who says they have feelings for me, and in a new twist my depression is trying to make me turn to food to solve the hurt. Depression hasnt done this to me since about 15 years ago and then I wound up shooting up to almost 700 pounds and was about half a step from dying. It sucked and I have come so far that I will be damned if I am going back.
The amount of affection being shown to me in my new relationship is amazing. I have never been the focus of anything like it. It makes me uncomfortable at times but Katrina has a way of taking my discomfort away and putting me at ease. I decided a while back to go all in with this, I will have no doubts or hesitations and will believe that I am worth it. I have been doing well on that score, especially for me. I am completely and utterly in love with her.
I have found a vehicle. In six days I will take possession of a 1998 Buick Roadmaster Wagon if all goes well. According to everything I can google up, this is simply a battleship on wheels. I have a feeling I will be enjoying it immensely. It will be good to have some wheels of my own, I havent felt right since I havent had my own vehicle. I am very lucky in that when I got a job my father in law basically gave me his truck to use as I needed it but there is nothing like your own set of wheels, man.
Operation Defuckify The House has commenced. One of my major depression triggers seems to be living in a cluttered house. And I do. So we are going to get this place clean and make a serious effort to keep it that way. Not only will we be able to have people over without being embarrassed, it will make it much happier living here. I am determined to not isolate and hermit myself this winter like I usually do. I have enlisted some help and its going to be a battle but I think I can win.
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