There have been a couple of surprises in my life lately. I need to get some bees out of my head, including a very large one that may surprise some people in my life. Here we go:
As many people know, Amy and I have been poly for a while now. I have been a lot more active than she has in this and have just very recently started meeting people I think have a shot at working long term. This may be because of my well known weakness for The Crazy, which I have recently put aside and stopped indulging.
I am torn. I had an incident in the poly world recently that has me of two minds. I met someone. It was good. Scary good. As long as I looked there wasnt another shoe dropping. We were chatting for 10-12 hours a day, very much into each other and it seemed amazing and damn near *gasp* perfect.
Then we met and hung out for the first time. Thus enters the first surprise.
Its pretty well known that in life there are people you are attracted to physically and people you just arent. There doesnt have to be a reason, it just isnt there physically. Most likely when forming an intimate relationship, thats attraction being absent is a dealbreaker. Well, thats what happened. We met and it wasnt there for her. Surprise! There was an initial flurry of panic and stress but she stepped the fuck up and knocked handling it out of the park. We are friends now and I am sure we are going to remain so. Sure, it hurts. A lot. But a good friend is something that is way too valuable and hard to find to be losing or not getting at all over something no one has any control over. She is amazing and I am very glad she is in my life.
So the two minds. Part of me wants to stop looking for anyone at all to be serious with. I have my wife and another woman in my life who is also amazing and whom I will love forever and then some. She came into my life at just the right time and is a savior for me and to me and I hope I can be the same to and for her. There is my wife. My rock. I will be with her until I die and love her even longer. Im not sure I need anyone else, but there are still things missing. Things I need. Im just not entirely convinced its worth the hurt to try and find them anymore. Im not going to make any decisions while the pain is still fresh, but soon I think I will have to decide.
I want to find someone I can have intimacy with. Intimacy doesnt mean sex, not completely. Intimacy is also BDSM play when the trust is there. Intimacy is sitting on the couch watching a movie and talking or cuddling. Intimacy is that...familiarity that you have with someone special. I want that with someone on a different level than I have it now with anyone in my life. Not necessarily a deeper level, just a different one. Time will tell if I can find it or if I give up.
On to surprise number 2:
We went to the IKS slosh tonight. There were a number of friends there that I enjoyed seeing again and as always connecting with, and then something happened. I got a request for a heavy play scene from a totally unexpected source. Most anyone who knows me, and apparently a lot of people who dont know me, know that I usually play very heavy. Punching, kicking, heavy impact with out of the normal toys, stun guns, and other implements of destruction. Thats the norm for me. They are home. The person who made the request of me knows this and I always thought it scared her pretty badly as it does a lot of the other women in my life. I guess I was wrong. We are going to negotiate and carry out a heavy impact and body play scene. This is something I badly need to do and something she needs dome to her badly so it will probably be pretty damn good for both of us. Once it happens and assuming she gives permission Im sure I will write about it here on these pages.
Surprise number 3:
Surprise number 3 isnt really a surprise at all, but more of a pleasant change. Amy has started dating. She is dating a very close friend of a number of years and they are very happy together. I dont want to talk about it a lot but I wanted to mention it here and say that I am very happy for both of them and all the happiness they have brought on, both for each other and to other people.
One final thing, aka surprise 4 aka Holy Shit, Brace Yourself If You Know Me:
I have had a few conversations about terminology and what a certain type of submissive is called or if there is even a name for it with a few people lately. There is a reason for this.
I think I have a budding service submissive side inside me. Im going to wait a minute for certain people to pick themselves up off the floor and others to stop laughing and then continue.
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Right. Its true. I have recognized in myself almost a fetish for serving, pampering and caring for the body of a woman I am attracted to and who is the right person for me to do this with. Im not sure where it came from, I have always loved shaving a nice pussy or other things but I think it may be a full blown thing with me now. Much like the Daddy energy a lot of people say I have, its completely unexpected and unforseen. It will also have to be explored and maybe even encouraged, I am very curious and interested about it. Time will tell what it becomes but I think I am going to very much enjoy learning and experiencing this new side of me if I can bring myself to let it out.
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