Burning down the house

Did you ever look at something nine times and it made perfect sense and then you took a tenth look and had to wonder how a human being that could walk upright was so stupid as to think that what you were looking at would work/work out/go the way you saw it going?

Thats been happening to me a lot lately, and I cant quite figure out why. I have an IQ of over 180, but when it comes to life in general lately I am as dumb as a bag of hammers. I keep missing the obvious and not thinking about things the way I should and it isnt the tenth time looking that it hits me, its only after the shit has hit the fan and feelings are hurt, butts are hurt or there is more stress in life than there needs to be.

This, in the words of the Dude, will not stand. I havent a clue what is going on inside my head, what sort of short circuit has happened, what block there is that is affecting my ability to communicate and function in a loving relationship but whatever it is, its got to go. There is way too much difficulty and stress going on and way too many hurt feelings and way too much sadness for this to be allowed.

Im better than this. WE are better than this. Fuck this noise. I am reminded of a Klingon proverb: “meQtaHbogh qachDaq Suv qoH neH” literally translated as “Only a fool fights in a burning house”. No more fighting as the house burns.

No more

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

 The girl and I have been talking a lot lately. Whatever it was that gummed up our communication works has broken and the words and thoughts and communication is flowing in fucking torrents now.

This is very good.

Life changing stuff is being discussed. She and I spent a few hours in the park Sunday and basically rethought our whole relationship, everything from our BDSM dynamic to our style and brand of Polyamory to what and who we want to be for each other. We had a wonderful walk through the woods while discussing all of this and it felt so good to be reconnecting, both to my girl and to nature.

Big items:

1. Im not going to be her Dominant anymore. Im not even sure I have a Dominant of any real variety within me at this point or if I ever have. I can barely take care of myself, I would be doing anyone else a huge mis-service if I tried to take care of them in this manner and thought I could be good at it.
2. The girl is thinking of trying to find a Mistress to help keep her together and on task and give her what she needs structurally BDSM-wise. She and I are still going to play together and not a lot will change other than someone else taking over the Dominant role in her life. Both of us feel that this will strengthen the bond between us and our relationship.
3. We are going to continue being Poly. Polyamory has opened up a whole new world for us and made our relationship much better and stronger as a benefit. We communicate better, a must in the poly world, we are spending better and more quality time together and we have made minor changes here and there to things in our relationship that we didnt even know needed changing. Overall we are better off for trying it and we are mostly succeeding.

The minor things:

1. I am definitely interested in Daddy play and the Daddy energy I have. That I do think I can be good at and succeed at. I will continue to pursue learning and experiences in this area.
2. I definitely have a sadistic side and will continue to feed and nurture that. Its deep and its dark and it scares the fuck out of me at times. I love it and cannot imagine myself without it.
3. I am going to continue in therapy and work on myself. I call my brain broken a lot, it isnt, its just wired differently. I need to figure out how and how to work with it instead of giving in to it or working against it. I should have done this a very long time ago.

This is only a partial list, I guess. Changes seem to be coming at us pretty quick around here which is good as most of them are positive. I expect there will be no shortage of stuff to write about so I am planning to continue writing, its helping me again.

Daddy/girl thoughts.

I have been told a lot in the past few months that I have a good Daddy energy. I was dismissive at first, but when more than a few people say something in a pretty short time its best to start paying attention, so I did. Its been fascinating and a very moving experience at times. I have learned a lot about the BDSM community, myself and the world in general.

There was a post today on Fetlife that just about sums it up perfectly. Im not going to credit the author, I dont have permission and dont know him well enough to ask for it. But here it is:

I wish I had a nickel for every time someone, in the BDSM lifestyle mind you, made a comment along the lines of "the Daddy/girl thing is just creepy". Every time I hear it I want to tell them to fuck off.

I find child molesters abhorrent. Being a Daddy isn't about some sick child molestation fantasy or disgusting incestuous fantasy. I am a real father and a damn good one. If someone ever mentioned my daughter to me in a sexual way I would likely beat them into a squishy mess.

Being a Daddy is about a building a bond with someone. A bond so deep and so unique that anything less seems like a pale imitation. It is about a sincere desire to help them become the person they want to be.

It is about setting rules and expectations, not to simply punish them for breaking them but because you want them to actually learn something from the rules and expectations.

It is about listening to their aspirations, their hopes, their dreams, their fears, their pain. It is about genuinely caring about all of these.

It is about teaching. It is about being the solid rock that they can cling to when the sea of life is filled with storms.

It is simply about showing them that they are loved, unconditionally. That no matter what rules are broken, no matter what punishments have been delivered, you will always be there to pick them back up and put your arms around them and kiss the tears away.

To me, this is dead on. And if you happen to be in a sexual relationship with the person you also have a Daddy relationship with, there is nothing wrong with that either. Fantasies are very powerful and sensual things. I honestly believe I could murder a child molester and sleep well that night but age/Daddy/Incest play all hold great fascination for me. I have punched people in the face for using racist terms around me but a week or so ago I learned about Race play and the extent to which it went and I find it intriguing also.

In short, people shouldnt be so judgmental. I fail to see any logic at all in inferring what someone is like based on what they like. People who do that miss out on meeting a lot of good friends.

Introverts Unite! (But not all together)

I found this in a Fetlife post and wanted to add my thoughts and post it here so I can find it again. This may be the best writing I have ever read on introverts.

All of these are true to one degree or another but a few of them are dead the fuck on target. For me, #3 is the first one that falls into this category. Why cant people just be honest and open and not do grade school shit like tell lies or talk shit or my favorite "Because I didnt want to hurt you" Yeah, that always ends well. Just be honest.

#6 is also dead on. I like being alone, being alone can be wonderful. But when I feel very lonely, I want to hurt or kill myself almost every time. Sure, I get through it. But the desire is there. And I hate that. 

#9. I dont like crowds. Too many people in one place and I just cant deal with it and socially interact at the same time. I wish this wasnt true or that my crowd tolerance was better, but it is what it is. I am hoping this can be addressed to some degree in therapy

The article has more info and more good thoughts, check it out if  this interests you. 

http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not often thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

A new label and other musings

I saw the therapist today. Im starting a new type of therapy Thursday, a more intensive type than what I was doing. This comes from being given a new diagnosis and having a new label slapped on me by the doctor and therapist.

Borderline Personality Disorder with added Psychopathies.

I'm still not totally sure what that means but its sort of scary how well I fit the profile for it. The therapist started asking me questions and it was like she was describing the inside of my brain almost perfectly. My thoughts, my actions, what it was like when I went off my meds, everything. It was a little scary. But then I thought about it and asked her if it felt that way should I be more encouraged than worried because there was a definite way to help it. She agreed and said that on a scale of 1-10 my particular case would rank about a 5 based on what she has seen so far and saw before when I was in therapy for her. This was after we talked last time for almost an hour about me being off of Citalopram and what that was like.

The new therapy I am starting is called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It focuses more on emotions and actions and how they affect each other and getting them all under control using real world exercises and practices. On the surface it sounds like pretty much exactly what I need. Im really hoping I can get into it and do well, I think I can. Im sure there will be further updates as things proceed.


Amy had her birthday on the 21st. There was a slosh that night and we went and she got spankings. There were three friends there that she wanted spankings from as well as me, so we made it happen. I figured we would do it over in a corner or on a St Andrews Cross that was unoccupied along a wall but my brave girl chose to do it right on the stage in front of everyone. She told me today that she was scared shitless and I agreed that she had a good reason to be but told her that I was very proud that she did it anyway and got through her fear. She has been doing VERY well at that since she started trying to. I am proud beyond words and am enjoying watching the process very much. Its like she is a whole new person at times.

I have decided that I want to do a charity 5k in 2014. There is a big cat rescue center in Indiana that handles lions and tigers and such and they sponsor a 5k where you get to go behind the scenes and see the big cats as you do the walk/run. Thats the one I am aiming for and if it goes well I will probably pick a couple more and do them too. I will never be able to run 5k but Im pretty sure that with the right practice and building up I could walk it in a reasonable time. I understand there is a program called Couch to 5K and I am planning to look into that, it sounds like it would be what I need.

Its Wednesday now, I started this on Tuesday and got distracted. Watched Labyrinth tonight, thats a good movie. Jim Henson is a demented genius. And Bowie was a surprisingly good actor.

I start therapy tomorrow. I am debating writing a post every day after therapy to write about what happened that day and how its going. We shall see...

Changes and surprises

There have been a couple of surprises in my life lately. I need to get some bees out of my head, including a very large one that may surprise some people in my life.  Here we go:

As many people know, Amy and I have been poly for a while now. I have been a lot more active than she has in this and have just very recently started meeting people I think have a shot at working long term. This may be because of my well known weakness for The Crazy, which I have recently put aside and stopped indulging.

I am torn. I had an incident in the poly world recently that has me of two minds. I met someone. It was good. Scary good. As long as I looked there wasnt another shoe dropping. We were chatting for 10-12 hours a day, very much into each other and it seemed amazing and damn near *gasp* perfect.

Then we met and hung out for the first time. Thus enters the first surprise.

Its pretty well known that in life there are people you are attracted to physically and people you just arent. There doesnt have to be a reason, it just isnt there physically. Most likely when forming an intimate relationship, thats attraction being absent is a dealbreaker. Well, thats what happened. We met and it wasnt there for her. Surprise! There was an initial flurry of panic and stress but she stepped the fuck up and knocked handling it out of the park. We are friends now and I am sure we are going to remain so. Sure, it hurts. A lot. But a good friend is something that is way too valuable and hard to find to be losing or not getting at all over something no one has any control over. She is amazing and I am very glad she is in my life.

So the two minds. Part of me wants to stop looking for anyone at all to be serious with. I have my wife and another woman in my life who is also amazing and whom I will love forever and then some. She came into my life at just the right time and is a savior for me and to me and I hope I can be the same to and for her. There is my wife. My rock. I will be with her until I die and love her even longer. Im not sure I need anyone else, but there are still things missing. Things I need. Im just not entirely convinced its worth the hurt to try and find them anymore. Im not going to make any decisions while the pain is still fresh, but soon I think I will have to decide.

I want to find someone I can have intimacy with. Intimacy doesnt mean sex, not completely. Intimacy is also BDSM play when the trust is there. Intimacy is sitting on the couch watching a movie and talking or cuddling. Intimacy is that...familiarity that you have with someone special. I want that with someone on a different level than I have it now with anyone in my life. Not necessarily a deeper level, just a different one. Time will tell if I can find it or if I give up.

On to surprise number 2:

We went to the IKS slosh tonight. There were a number of friends there that I enjoyed seeing again and as always connecting with, and then something happened. I got a request for a heavy play scene from a totally unexpected source. Most anyone who knows me, and apparently a lot of  people who dont know me, know that I usually play very heavy. Punching, kicking, heavy impact with out of the normal toys, stun guns, and other implements of destruction. Thats the norm for me. They are home. The person who made the request of me knows this and I always thought it scared her pretty badly as it does a lot of the other women in my life. I guess I was wrong. We are going to negotiate and carry out a heavy impact and body play scene. This is something I badly need to do and something she needs dome to her badly so it will probably be pretty damn good for both of us. Once it happens and assuming she gives permission Im sure I will write about it here on these pages.

Surprise number 3:

Surprise number 3 isnt really a surprise at all, but more of a pleasant change. Amy has started dating. She is dating a very close friend of a number of years and they are very happy together. I dont want to talk about it a lot but I wanted to mention it here and say that I am very happy for both of them and all the happiness they have brought on, both for each other and to other people.

One final thing, aka surprise 4 aka Holy Shit, Brace Yourself If You Know Me:

I have had a few conversations about terminology and what a certain type of submissive is called or if there is even a name for it with a few people lately. There is a reason for this.

I think I have a budding service submissive side inside me. Im going to wait a minute for certain people to pick themselves up off the floor and others to stop laughing and then continue.

*
**
***
****

Right. Its true. I have recognized in myself almost a fetish for serving, pampering and caring for the body of a woman I am attracted to and who is the right person for me to do this with. Im not sure where it came from, I have always loved shaving a nice pussy or other things but I think it may be a full blown thing with me now. Much like the Daddy energy a lot of people say I have, its completely unexpected and unforseen. It will also have to be explored and maybe even encouraged, I am very curious and interested about it. Time will tell what it becomes but I think I am going to very much enjoy learning and experiencing this new side of me if I can bring myself to let it out.

Nana

This is a post about my grandmother. It started out as a chat I had with a wonderful new person in my life and I realized I have been wanting to talk about my grandma here for a long time. You guys didnt know her and you missed out because of that. Here is my post about her:

My grandma was my rock.
She raised me and was the only one who truly loved me. I can say that because I have solid evidence but its not something I can share with people. Maybe two or even three people in my entire life have that story.

My grandma called me once and asked me to come see her. I quit my job and flew(!) to see her. I dont fly. I hate it. If I was gonna die and the cure was a plane ride away I would drive
but for her, I flew.

We spent a week together. I did my stuff during the day while she slept off pain drugs and meds, but at 6pm every night we made iced tea and met on the porch and talked. We talked of her life, my life, everything. I told her everything I ever wanted to, she told me everything she needed to.

The day before I flew home we went to a BBQ joint. South Carolina is famous for its BBQ joints and this was one of the best. I was invited to tour the kitchen, she got cold while I was back there and went outside, where she stepped off the curb and broke her hip. I feel terrible guilt about that to this day at times. I should have been there.

I quit another job and delayed my return three days while she had hip replacement surgery. I got her settled to my satisfaction and came back to Indiana. One week later I was on a plane again to go to her funeral.

She knew. She knew she was going to die and called me, I went and I am forever glad I did.
When she died, the rest of the bio family died with her, at least to me they did. My chosen family here is what I have now. My wife and poly partners. My BDSM family. You know who you are and I fucking love every one of you. Yes, even you, asshole.

Karma?

I did something today that I normally wouldnt do.

I was at a gas station and when I pulled in I was grumpy and in a bad space, I just wanted to sit still for a while and it wasnt happening in the immediate future, not by a long shot. I noticed a very pretty woman unbuckling a kid from the back of a minivan and heading into the gas station, I think I admired her thighs and thats about it.

I got inside and bought a snack for the road and was paying for my gas when I heard the woman ask for $5 on the pump she was at. She was driving an older model minivan, she had a kid in it and was only buying $5 in gas, it was clearly all she could afford. I didnt even think about it, after she left I talked to the clerk and had him add an extra $20 on to the pump for her. He did and I walked out and told her the pump wasnt going to stop at $5 but was going to $25 and she and her little girl should enjoy the gas with a ride somewhere. She immediately looked at me mike I was some sort of creep or rapist and I could see her forming an escape plan in her mind so I backed off a few steps and said "Its OK, I just paid for you some extra gas. Have a good day and be safe".

Well, she started crying right there and gave me a hug. Unexpected. But I held her for a second and let her cry on me and when she pulled away I told her she was welcome and left. Immediately I felt better about myself, my day and my life.

I went on to give a new friend a few 10 gallon aquariums I had and her husband went into the truck and gave me some apple orchard honey from their bees. It smells amazing and I bet its going to be magical in some hot tea. Leaving there, I was right by an old friends house whom I havent seen in way too long, so I stopped by. Much laughter and conversation and reconnecting happened, it was a beautiful thing. Somewhere along in here I read a response from a small email I had sent which led to meeting a new friend and having an epic hours long conversation with her via text, Gchat, email and Fetlife mail. It was very nice. Later, I went to the bank and to get gas for the wife in her car and on the way home I drove by a neighborhood bar and saw the car of a friend that I havent talked to in way too long. I Uturned and parked and went in and she and I spent about a half hour talking and catching up and laughing, that was very cool.

A lot of good stuff happened after I helped that woman out. Im wondering if it would have happened anyway or did I help it happen by putting some good out to the universe? It could go either way, I think. Im not sure if I believe in karma or not, but I definitely respect the ideas of those who do and fully admit it could go either way.

Here we are....and here we go

So once again its been a long time since I have written here. Big surprise, right? I dont know why I cant make myself write here more often, when I do it I feel better about things, even if only for a short time.

Major changes are afoot in my life.

The wife/sub and I have decided to redo our entire BDSM relationship. Starting pretty much from the ground up. We have really fallen away from it for a long time now and it is badly in need of attention, so this is a good thing. About two years ago we decided to open our relationship and try being poly. It has really helped and strengthened us and is going stronger than ever. I embraced the poly lifestyle pretty soon after we decided that, she has recently started dating her first partner and is very happy. I have also met someone within the last six months and am very much in love and happier than I have been in a long time. The wife and I agreed that being poly has helped our relationship a lot and then took a look at our BDSM relationship and decided it was lacking. So we are starting over.

I am going to make more of an effort to be the type of Dominant she needs, to fill more of her needs in that area. It might not be easy, but I need to try and I am sure I can do it. I think it will also help me in my newer relationship so that will be good too. Its definitely going to be a learning experience and I suspect that once I get into it, I will wish I had done this a long time ago.

The bees are back. I have talked before this about sometimes feeling that there are a million bees all buzzing in my head at the same time, to many thoughts, ideas and concerns get together and create something like a white noise that makes it hard to focus at times. Commencing brain dump to try and get rid of some of them in the next few paragraphs:

I have been fighting depression again. My particular brand of depression is a motherfucker, it gets inside my head and sings sweet songs to me that are total lies, but that I cannot help but believe. It makes me think that no one could possibly love me, that no one would miss me if I were gone. That I shouldnt believe anyone who says they have feelings for me, and in a new twist my depression is trying to make me turn to food to solve the hurt. Depression hasnt done this to me since about 15 years ago and then I wound up shooting up to almost 700 pounds and was about half a step from dying. It sucked and I have come so far that I will be damned if I am going back.

The amount of affection being shown to me in my new relationship is amazing. I have never been the focus of anything like it. It makes me uncomfortable at times but Katrina has a way of taking my discomfort away and putting me at ease. I decided a while back to go all in with this, I will have no doubts or hesitations and will believe that I am worth it. I have been doing well on that score, especially for me. I am completely and utterly in love with her.

I have found a vehicle. In six days I will take possession of a 1998 Buick Roadmaster Wagon if all goes well. According to everything I can google up, this is simply a battleship on wheels. I have a feeling I will be enjoying it immensely. It will be good to have some wheels of my own, I havent felt right since I havent had my own vehicle. I am very lucky in that when I got a job my father in law basically gave me his truck to use as I needed it but there is nothing like your own set of wheels, man.

Operation Defuckify The House has commenced. One of my major depression triggers seems to be living in a cluttered house. And I do. So we are going to get this place clean and make a serious effort to keep it that way. Not only will we be able to have people over without being embarrassed, it will make it much happier living here. I am determined to not isolate and hermit myself this winter like I usually do. I have enlisted some help and its going to be a battle but I think I can win.

Black Sabbath and OMGtuesdaytuesdaytuesday

Back from the Black Sabbath concert. It turns out Geezer Butler has a sense of humor. I was leaving the bathroom and walked right into him, I almost stepped on his foot. He stuck his hand out and said loudly "I hope you washed your hands!" to which I responded some form of gibberish and shook his hand. He laughed and moved on towards catering, leaving me standing there with a numb hand and brain.

Post show, I was handed a water bottle by Ozzy. They were on the way to the cars and there was a flurry of drivers and flashlights and people and then here comes Ozzy down the steps. He asked which car was his, Sharon pointed and he moved towards the door I was standing right next to. I shone my flashlight on the ground and couldnt even look at him and all of a sudden he was there and was looking for a place to put his water bottle, saying he didnt want it anymore. I reflexively stuck my hand out and he gave it to me and got in the car, Sharon said "Thank you." and followed him in and I shut the door.

I had to walk away, I almost started crying. He has been a fucking hero of mine for decades. There is an energy about the man. It cannot be put into words. I saw it work more than once tonight. At the meet and greet a woman went to her knees hysterically sobbing because she was in his presence. A 350 pound biker had tears in his eyes telling Ozzy about the show he saw in 1978 when Ozzy signed a framed picture and then sprayed beer all over the crowd causing the ink to run. Ozzy said "We will fix that" and signed that picture, the frame and the guys ticket.

I was side stage when the show started and War Pigs began playing. There are no words for the energy that was in the air when he came out. It has to be that energy that keeps Ozzy Osbourne alive and as healthy as he is. Consider the life he has lead. The drugs, the dangerous activities, all the fun he has had at the expense of his body and brain. there is no way he should be alive right now. I think its that energy that sustains him.It was palpable, you could almost touch it. It surrounds him like an aura and gets bigger and smaller depending on what he is doing.

Call me nuts, but I felt it. I am willing to bet that anyone who can remotely feel such things that has been anywhere hear the man has felt it too.

I also met a fun group of guys in a band that played on the side stage. The name of the band is Phoenix On The Fault Line. They are a heavy metal band with a full horn section. A very fun and interesting group of guys, I talked to them a few times. Im going to find them on Facebook or somewhere and keep track of them.

I also got some fucking amazing news that made me fall down when I heard it and has me still struggling to breathe right but I dont want to jinx anything yet so I cant share it just now. Soon. Tuesdaytuesdaytuesday

The Goings On

My doctor called me today. Just to check on me. When she couldnt get to me she called Amy and left her personal cell phone number for me to call her back. I did and she said that she just wanted to make sure I was doing OK after the biopsy and waking up and that she was worried about me. She also told me that we would have news on the sample by Tuesday and would then plan what comes next. We. Like we are in this together. I like that.

I have been giving a lot of thought to what might happen. Probably too much thought for my broken brain to be doing. I am trying really hard to not dwell on the bad outcomes and mostly succeeding. I have thought about it just enough to try and prepare myself for if this goes bad.

Cancer. I need to say it. I might have cancer. I feel like I have been avoiding saying it and if I do that then the idea, the possibility, they gain power over me. Fuck that noise. I wont let something like that have any power over me. I really dont want to have cancer but if it comes down to it and I do, it wont control or scare me, I will just figure it out and get through it. I really dont want to die, but if it comes down to it, Im not scared of it. I have been to the edge and a little beyond, both by my own hand and the hands of fate on more than one occasion, it simply cant scare me any more. I wont give it that power. It needs to be said. It doesnt, however, need or deserve to be dwelt on.

Something else I have not talked about out of a fear of jinxing it or having things go wrong. I have met someone and come to like her a lot. As usual for my luck, she lives a long way away, over 2000 miles. We talk and Skype and text all the time lately and are really into each other, I think its going to turn into something really good. Amy will always be number one for me and she accepts that without hesitation. I am quite smitten and hopeful. Its a very different sort of relationship than I have ever had.

She has a dark side. Its amazing. I have one too and am very hesitant to let it out very much or show it to people, I have lost friends because they found out how deep it can go. This girl understands, hr dark side runs as deep as mine it seems. Im pretty sure thats rare. I know its amazing. Someone who can understand and share my dark side, talk about it and be trusted to not think I am crazy or run away is very valuable to me. I like the idea of having that in a relationship a lot. Ever since Amy and I first started talking about our relationship and opening things up a little, I have wanted something like I think this is going to turn out to be. I am not interested in one time encounters, one night stands or even really in short term encounters, I want more of an ongoing passion, a relationship with feelings and depth. I had just about come to the conclusion that such a thing didnt exist. I am happy to be well along in the process of being proven wrong. Im still too nervous to use a name or say who she is out of the jinxing fear, I know its silly but its there.

So...the doc said I should know something on Tuesday. Either way the news goes, I will probably hold back a bit and update people accordingly before shouting to the masses on Facebook. Then things will be adjusted accordingly I imagine, though what the adjustments might be escape me totally right now. I am, however, going to be doing a living will and DNR form, something I did before the weight loss surgery and never got filed. I have been meaning to for a long time and now is a good time. They are simple to do and prevent a whole lot of trouble in certain cases. If anyone is interested, I can pass along the forms and web addresses I find for Indiana or other states as needed, just ask.

So these are the happenings in my life right now. Basically in a holding pattern waiting for Tuesday and after that I need to get my shit back together in the second half of this year. I am tired of a lot of things in my life and they need to change. One of them, as always, is writing here more. *sigh*

The Crazy

I was involved in a conversation the other day that has led me to this blog post. We were talking about Crazy Girls and the male habit of sticking their dicks in The Crazy. As one can expect, most people came down on one side of the line and I came down somewhere between on the line and on the other side. 

A word about me and The Crazy. I love it. The Crazy is like Kryptonite to me. I have a serious weakness for Crazy and otherwise dangerous to me women and it has led me to some pretty fucked up situations. I have never been in legal trouble but there have been restraining orders and concealed carry weapons permits involved. And it was totally worth it. 

Here's a life tip for the male readers among you: The Crazy can be and most likely will be the best sex you ever have in your life. Its Ok to stick your dick in The Crazy. Really. It is. Dont let the howls of protest and dismay you might hear from women persuade you otherwise, its really OK. In fact, some of the howling women are Crazy themselves and just putting up a front to make themselves look good. Sneaky, huh? As long as you do it right and have some sense about it. Probably the best tip I can give is the tip I gave during the conversation, it consists of three little words you should know very well before you stick your dick in The Crazy. Those words are Vid, E and O. Video. As in use a camera, phone, tablet, webcam or some other form of media that gets what happens down on tape, hard drive, digital memory or some other form of storage. This way, if (if youre doing this right you can change that to when) the inevitable squabble arises and The Crazy decides to play the Rape card, you have proof of your innocence. Never ever ever ever put your dick in The Crazy without some form of video going. If The Crazy isnt liking that idea, derail the sexy time train and get the fuck out, there is another The Crazy right around the corner who will wholeheartedly approve. Another way of going about this would be to hide a camera somewhere and not tell her its there. I have never personally taken this route but I understand it can work as well and is only slightly illegal. 

I dont speak from experience here, I have never had to face any sort of charges or even rumors about any sexual impropriety. I like to think its because I am careful, chances are it is because Im careful but there is also a big chunk of luck in there too. Whatever, I will take it. I dont mess around a whole lot with The Crazy anymore, I am getting too old for it and also have a few women in my life that I dont want to disappoint. Thats a strange feeling, not wanting to disappoint someone. At least to me. 

Remember me?

OK, so its official, I suck at writing regularly. A lot has happened that I wanted to and should have written about but somehow I just didnt. I feel guilty about that so I have decided to start anew one more time and see if I can do this more regularly. 

Since I last wrote, Elvis the beagle went across the Rainbow Bridge. It was sad but it was time and he was surrounded by people who loved him and had a peaceful passing. We are now fostering a girl beagle named Lady, nicknamed Ladyug or Bug who is a nice and very housetrained beagle. She isnt crate trained and we are working on that, and she wasnt trained to wait for her dinner when we got her but there has been huge progress there. She is a very smart girl where food is involved. Waiting for dinner is this: All the doggies sit and I pour their dinner into their bowls. They remain seated until they are told OK and then they eat. It took Lady maybe 2-3 times to get good at it, she gets pretty excited around dinnertime and can occasionally forget for a second but a look puts her on her butt again. She is really anxious to please. 

Its been getting warmer finally. We had a very nice thunderstorm last night with huge lightning and loud thunder last night, I went out on the porch to sit with it but it was a bit too cold still and I only spent about ten minutes out there. We also had a chance to see Northern Lights about a week ago and I drove way out in the country and parked on a rod. I saw millions of stars but no aurora. I plan to go back there during at least one of the meteor showers we are supposed to have this summer and fall. 

Im hoping to get a tomato plant again this year and at least one pepper plant. Probably some sort of mild pepper, maybe a jalapeno, I did good with those last year. I might look into an onion plant too and I could make salsa if everything grows. We shall see. 

The depression is easing somewhat but the anxiety is very bad lately. I have panic attacks at the thought of doing the simplest stuff, stuff that shouldnt bother me. I dont understand my brain, I wish it just worked and didnt fuck with me all the time.

I have a lead on a good job. I dont want to talk about it a great deal yet, dont want to jinx myself, but I started talking to a guy on Reddit.com and he works for a place that is hiring and I am going to apply there. Decent pay and benefits and the job sounds interesting. Hopefully I get it.

Im really not sure what else to talk about. I havent been doing much at all in the BDSM world, Im not sure if thats going to change soon or not. I am registered for GLLA and have a room at the host hotel and a lot of plans to play and scene with a close friend, that should be a good weekend. I figure I will start slowly going to more stuff again since its getting warmer and ease back into it. 

Thats about it for now. I will be posting more, it feels good to write. I need to keep doing it.

My depression...

Disclaimer: I am not going to do anything to hurt myself. This is just a brain dump brought on by reading and too much time to think.

My depression

I posted something on Facebook earlier about depression. A guy on Reddit wrote a very good post about living with depression and what its like. I decided to write about me and my depression and get it out. This isnt going to be fun and its already scaring the shit out of me. Im going way out of my comfort zone here so please bear with me if I start to ramble or not make sense. I am just writing what comes into my head when I think of things. Here we go.

My depression is like a weight. It feels like ten thousand pounds bearing down on me sometimes. I can feel the weight pushing me down and sometimes I can even see it above me.

My depression convinces me that people who say they love me or care about me really dont. I know that people who say they are there for me or like me or worry about me really dont. Thats just what you say to someone who is like me. I mean, what are you going to say to someone who is depressed, tell them to jump off a building or shoot themselves? No, you say that you care and worry even when you dont. Its just what you do. I know that no one would miss me if I was gone or care. My depression tells me so.

When dealing with someone who is battling depression there are a few things you really shouldnt do. Dont tell me to "snap out of it" or "just be happy and cheer up". Really? I can just be happy and cheer up? Wow, why didnt I think of that? I suppose in your world someone with cancer can just "snap out of it" and be well too, right? Thats not how it works, and it makes me feel guilty and bad about myself when someone tells me that. I feel like I am supposed to just be happy and that there is something wrong with me that I cant.

Dont treat a depressed person like a little kid or someone who needs special treatment. Kid gloves arent required and I can pretty much promise you that nothing you say is going to make a depressed person snap and start killing everyone around them. Im not proud of or happy about being depressed and being treated like Im a freak or different somehow doesnt help at all. Maybe I am different, I mean not everyone wants to die and doesnt want to kill themselves. But that doesnt mean you need to be afraid or treat me differently.

My depression makes me want to hide and isolate myself. I sit on the couch and watch tv or sit at my computer doing very little to nothing for hours, even days. I want to go to events, hang out with friends, see and do stuff but my depression makes me feel like I cant and that it would be better to just sit here.

My depression makes me do things I am ashamed of. I go days without bathing, brushing my teeth or changing clothes. I eat like shit and feel like I am fat and gaining weight all the time. I eat things that are bad for me and I know it. Maybe if I eat badly enough or enough to make me sick I can die and it wont be my fault. Before I met my wife and had weight loss surgery my plan was to eat myself to death slowly. I damn near succeeded. I weighed somewhere near 700 pounds at my highest weight. I had heart problems, full blown type 2 diabetes, hypertension and couldnt climb a flight of stairs without stopping for a rest on the way. I wanted to die. I have no idea why I didnt. Sometimes I still wish I had.

Yes, I want to die. Im not afraid of it, but I am not going to do anything to cause it either. Im too scared to. When someone I know or someone I read about dies I am jealous. they know what its like to die and start over. I want to start over and do this fucked up life right next time.

My depression makes me tired. I am exhausted all the time. I sleep a lot but it isnt good sleep. Sure I can drug myself and get 8-10 hours of sleep easily but when I wake up and I just as exhausted as when I went to sleep.

I wish I had someone who would just sit with me. Who would watch tv or movies and let me cry on them and just be there. Someone who wouldnt try to solve anything or make anything better but who would just be there with me.

My depression can be battled with music. Music has saved my life a few times. Music is the closest thing to a religion I will ever have.

My depression doesnt scare me. Its like an old friend now. Sometimes I feel like its the only friend I have. Especially when its convincing me of something I know in my heart isnt true but that my fucked up brain buys into completely. Im not sure I know how to exist without my depression. Its been part of me for so long and has fucked me up so completely and efficiently that I cant imagine being without it any more

This is the hardest thing I have ever written. Im so scared of sharing it. Part of me isnt nervous at all because it knows that no one will care. But part of me, a small part, still wants to believe. Still wants to believe that someone cares or worries or likes me.

That small part is probably why I am still alive.

2 weeks and the Grateful Dead

Fuck. Its been over two weeks since I wrote last. Im sorry and I will try to do better...

Its Superbowl Sunday. I am listening to the Grateful Dead and trying to decide if I want to watch the game or not. I probably will watch just for the commercials, football doesnt really hold any interest for me unless its the Bears or Colts.

The music has me a bit nostalgic for the days I worked security backstage at a large local concert venue. That was a great job most of the time. I worked a Grateful Dead concert, it was an experience. Most of the people were quite cool. Mellow and stoned and calm. Then there was the chick who thought she was drowning because she fell in a ditch and landed on her back in about 2 feet of water. She was laying there flailing around and hollering about drowning and a fellow security guy walked onto the bridge and yelled down at her "Stand up, dumbass!". She got to her feet and realized she was in very little water so of course she started taking a bath. We laughed hard that day.

Other memories:
Melissa Etheridge once sang to me. Well, at me anyway. It was during a sound check and I was on a break so I went down to the front row and just sat and listened as she sang. She is so sexy and has such an amazing voice.

I was at a John Fogerty show and he began to sing "Have you ever seen the rain?" and I swear to Jeebus the moment he started to sing it started pouring down rain.

Toby Keith is the biggest douchebag in the universe. Both times I met him I thought so. First time he kept 80 fans waiting for a backstage meet-n-greet because he was getting high with the coach of the IU basketball team, a friend of his from Oklahoma. They shoved 80 people through a line to get pictures taken with him in just under 7 minutes so they could start the show on time. Second time he was just a general douchebag, acting like a prima donna and pitching a fit because the wrong type of ice was available.

I held the leash of and walked around with Sheryl Crow's dog for about an hour once. She forgot she had an interview to do for an Australian television crew and was walking her dog. They needed to go live and she didnt have time to walk him back to her trailer so I volunteered to take him and watch him. She was very nice to me and thanked me later. I like her

I once stood backstage right before the start of a Lynyrd Skynyrd show and didnt know I was standing in the little hallway that led to the stage. I heard a noise behind me and looked up to find the whole band heading for the stage. Billy Powell walked up and asked me if they were going the right way and I said I had no idea. They all laughed and a roadie walked up and told them to hang out for a second and then they could start the show. Johnny Van Zant shot me a high five as he walked out to sing "Sweet Home Alabama" and I almost cried because there were so many feels going around inside me. Powell was dead a few months later of a heart attack. It was sad.

Willie Nelson called me "Brother" and gave me a guitar pick.

Vince Neil asked me if I knew where he could get a cow. I had no idea what to say to that and pointed him to the venue managers office. About an hour or so later a farmer and another guy walked backstage with a large cow. There was a group of us security people backstage and no one wanted to go around the back to see what was going on. We wound up doing Rock-Paper-Scissors to see who had to go and I lost. I walked around the bus to find Neil dressed as a farmer doing a photo shoot for an album. I must admit I was a bit disappointed to see thats all that was going on.

KC of KC and the Sunshine band wanted his picture taken with me. I said sure and somewhere there is a picture of me and KC.

David Crosby once said hello to me and talked to me for a few minutes. He was very cool, we talked about sailing and the song "Southern Cross" and the fact that he remembers nothing of performing at Woodstock because he was so nervous. He said he was sot of mad at not remembering it. I suggested he watch the movie and see if it brings back anything. No idea if he ever did.

David Gilmour once handed me his black Stratocaster and asked me to look after it for a few minutes for him. The start of the Pink Floyd show that evening was delayed for a few minutes while he went and took a "healthy shit" as he called it when he came back. He said to me "Dont worry, mate! Washed me hands good." and took his guitar back. They went out and performed a great show.

Speaking of Pink Floyd, Roger Waters and I once discussed Mini Coopers and the fact that I could wear two of them as shoes if I had a pair. He was very amused by the mental image and thanked me. That night was unquestionably the best concert I have ever seen. Waters and his band performed the entire Wall album and the sound was amazing

I have somewhere a picture of me with two of the members of Umphrey's McGee. That was a great show and they played my favorite song.

I once cut the hair of the lead singer from the band System of a Down. Serj Tankian said he wanted a mohawk like the one I was wearing for Ozzfest. I told him I could give him one if he could find some clippers. I was joking but he sent someone for clippers and I cut his hair. It was funny

Snoop Dogg high fived me and thanked me for being cool. I kept a few people from bothering him and his group of friends as they shot baskets and he was thankful.

I talked to Steven Tyler once. He asked me if I had seen any movies lately and I had seen one with his daughter in it. Jersey Girl was the movie and I told him I had quite the crush on Liv. He said he liked the movie and told me he would pass my feelings along and we laughed.

I have a drum head signed by all the members of the country band Flynnville Station.

It was really cool seeing the backstage area and working there. I enjoyed it a lot. I liked seeing the areas that not everyone can see and meeting people.

Memories and fire...

I remember one of the very first times I did fire play. It was at a party at a friends house and I had just gotten that week a lot of flash cotton. I dried it out and painstakingly separated it into wispy sheets with the help of the wife and then I put paper between each sheet and stored it in what I was calling the Fire Box, an old lunchbox I retasked or the purpose.

We got to the party and there were quite a few people there. A lot of friends and a few new people. I remember seeing a few girls all standing together and thinking "Wow" because they were all so pretty and dressed in a kinky sort of style that looked really good. A bit later I asked the host who they were and he said they were all from Lafayette or West Lafayette, a college town a couple of hours north of us. West Lafayette is the home of Purdue University. He said he would give introductions but then wandered off being the gracious host and forgot I guess.

I had talked to a friend when we first got to the party and she asked me if I would give a spanking to her new subbie boy. She said the boy had seen me and was very scared of me so she wanted to surprise him with a spanking since he like them so much. I agreed and later on that night she told me they were ready. She saw that I had brought my fire play stuff and asked me to do a little of that on him too, and after checking with the host of the party to make sure it was OK to do fire play in the garage I told her I would. When it was time I made my way out to the garage and he was there, all tied down on a spanking bench. I walked into the garage and a look of fear crossed his face, I walked over behind him and he actually started shaking. I asked his Master in a loud voice if this was the little bitch I was supposed to spank and she said yes. The boy looked like he was going to pass out. I bent down right in his ear and told him softly that I wasnt as bad or as scary as he thought I was and that I wasnt going to hurt him too badly. I asked if he knew his safewords (red and yellow) and made him repeat them to me and then told him I was going to do fire play on him first but that it wouldnt hurt.

I smacked his back a few times with an open hand here and there to sensitize the skin and let him know we were starting and then laid out a long strip of flash cotton on his back. I lit one end and WHOOSH, it burned the length of his back very brightly and hot. He arched his back up and yelled a little, obviously scared, but then realized that it wasnt hot but was warm and relaxed into the bench seeming confused. I ran may hand over his back a few times and felt how warm the skin was already, then did a few more strips of flash cotton and pointed out to his Master that his back was now very warm. She felt it and was amazed, his back was warm enough for a full force flogging with no warmup or getting ready. I agreed and she said I needed to spank him now for being a bad boy earlier that day. He tensed up again and I asked him if he was ready for his punishment. He squeaked out a reply I couldnt understand and I yelled at him "Answer me, boy, are you ready?" and he proceeded to start crying a little and let loose with a string of "Yes Sir, yes Sir, yes Sir, Im ready ready ready." I found that amusing and proceeded to run my hand over his butt and see if there was anywhere I shouldnt hit. There wasnt so I gave him a pretty hard spanking for the next 5 minutes or so and he took it like a champion. He cried quite a bit but he didnt once try to escape or block me.

I told him I was rather proud of him and that we were done and he was relieved and proud of himself at the same time. Then I told him that it was his Masters turn and he looked fearful again, it was too much for me and I had to turn away and laugh. His Master took him off to start a flogging scene and I was cleaning up the fire play supplies when one of the hot girls from Lafayette came over with the host. She was introduced to me as M. (Not her real name but I didnt ask if I could use her real name so M is what we are going with here) M said she had been watching the fire play and was curious, so I showed her the flash cotton and the lighter and the setup I had, including the fire extinguisher and wet towels for people with long hair. She seemed more and more interested and I asked her if she wanted some flash cotton on her. She said she had a severe fear of fire and didnt know. I told her it didnt burn, it just got hot for a minute but before you could even think about how hot it is, the heat is gone and the warmth starts to spread. She seemed doubtful but asked if it could go on her hand. I said sure and took her hand and laid it flat. I laid a small piece of flash cotton on her palm and lit it. It burned and she flinched but all she said was a very loud and surprised "OH!" which made me giggle a bit. She was pretty interested then so I sacked up and asked her if she wanted some on her back. Part of me really just wanted to see her with no clothes on, I admit, but more of me wanted to see how brave she was and wanted an excuse to talk to her more and interact with her. She decided she did want to have more of the cotton on her and proceeded to take her top off. Jackpot!

I went to get a drink of water and tell a friend who missed the first fire play that more was happening and came back to find M laid out on the spanking bench all ready for me. Good Heavens she was hot. There was a tattoo or two even. I sat beside her and proceeded to talk to her and make sure she was OK with it and calm and she seemed like she was. I started laying out the flash cotton on her back and explaining that it burns very bright and hot but it burns straight up. She was quiet by this time, so I figured she was getting nervous. I started small and lit a small piece near the center of her back. It burned and she arched way up and breathed in really deep. I ran my hand over the spot the cotton had been on and as she relaxed I asked her what she thought, She said it was good so I did a couple of more pieces on her back. She was quite the brave one and seemed to enjoy it. We finished up and she got dressed as I cleaned up the fire play stuff and put it away.

After a bit I ran into M in the garage and we talked. That was when I learned that she was afraid of fire because she had once been accidentally set on fire. I cant remember exactly how, I want to say car accident but I may be confusing her with someone else. The point is she had been set on fucking fire and not in a fun way. That had to be pretty traumatic. After that sank in I realized what it must have taken for her to let me put fire on her considering what had happened before. We talked about it and I told her how brave I thought she was and gave her a huge hug. Thats about where we left it, the party was breaking up and we wound up going our separate ways.

I had figured she was someone I would play with one and rarely see again, considering she lived a couple of hours north. I am very happy to report that I was dead wrong, M and I are now very good friends and have talked a few times when one or the other of us has needed it. Im still impressed by the bravery she showed that night but I have come to see that it wasnt rare for her to be that strong, she is one badass mother and one badass motherfucker. I am happy to know her and call her a friend.

Book 1

I finished the first book of the year today. I read Wil Wheaton's "Just A Geek"

Its a wonderful read and I really enjoyed it.

Useless assholes and other thoughts...

So I went and blew out my back on Thursday. Putting on a pair of socks. How old am I? So I laid around in blinding pain until today when I decided I had to go to the ER. A six hour wait and 6 minute visit with the doctor later, I was told to take 800mg of ibuprofen every 8 hours and it could take a week to heal.

What?

I informed the doc that thats almost exactly what I was doing before I came to see them and observed that the trip and ensuing bill was rather useless. They did give me a Motrin, I cant wait to see what they charge me for it.

So now I am back home. Between the wife and her dad, they came up with a satisfactory cocktail of drugs to keep me sane and my back under control. Hopefully it gets better soon, I really dont like being in pain like this.

I have been pondering why this happened now. For a few months, I have been wanting to go back to the security company I used to work for and get a job with them. The only problem was my brain. At the thought of going to get a job or going to work, I would have these mini panic attacks. My heart would race, I would either feel like crying or start crying and my mind would just shut down sort of. I knew what I needed to do, but my brain wouldnt let me think about it or act on it somehow. I tried and tried to figure out what was going on but I couldnt. So I gave up.

For a while I let my depression and fucked up brain rule me. I came up with excuse after excuse not to do things, not to talk to people I knew I needed to, not to do things that would be good for me or good to do. On Wednesday I got a letter from the pawnshop my camera was in because we needed money. My camera is gone, I cant get it back. I spent a great deal of time thinking about this. I had a few text exchanges with people I sometimes lean on, not about this but just touching base and making sure they were still there. And then I decided it. I have got to get past all my shit and make some moves.

I need a job. I need money. There is a lot of money out there and not nearly enough of it is mine. More of it needs to be. Its stupid to be as anxious as I am about working someplace I have worked before. I know some of the people there still, I could get a job that I can do physically and schedulewise with very little to no problem at all.

I need to take better care of myself. I bought a new showerhead last week and its very nice. I like it a lot. Theres no reason I cant shave and shower every single day. I know this isnt a thought that most people have to even have but I do. When I get depressed I can go for a long time without showering or shaving and barely even realize it. I like the way I feel after I shower and shave, all clean and sleek in the face. I like the way showering feels, the water all over and my body wash smelling all good and being all foamy. I like washing my face and my body. I deserve to have these good feelings every day. Im worth it. And I am going to do it.

Basically on Wednesday I decided to get over my shit and myself and just do it. Just go get what I need and want and what would make my life better. So I woke up Thursday with the intention of getting a good shower and getting dressed and going to talk to the guys at the security company and see what I needed to do to get back on the schedule and into the moneymaking again. I was happy. I had no fear or panic in my head. I remember the feeling very well. Then my fucking back went out.

All I could do for the next 36 hours was lay in bed and cry. I had to get up to go to the bathroom, of course, and when I did the pain made me shout and cry out loud. I was in the most pain I ever remember being in in my whole life. I slept some but not much. I had some hydrocodone left over from a previous prescription and I ate them every few hours.

I thought a lot about killing myself. It hurt that bad. There werent enough pills left to do it and I dont have any more, not that I could have gotten to them if I had them. But I wanted to. It scares me now thinking about it. The way I went from so positive and wanting to fix my shit to so far down and wanting to off myself so quickly scares me. I missed three or so days of regular meds because I hurt too bad to remember them or think about them. That scares me too. I am not going to let myself backslide into depression like i was. I have done too much, worked too hard and fucking bled to get where I am.

Fuck going backwards. This is a temporary detour on the way forward. Thats all...

The past, a brief history

I have dealt with depression my whole life. I didnt know what it was for a long time, but I always knew I was different. I was 9 years old when Freddie Prinze shot himself and I remember thinking that it made sense. I could understand what he did and to an extent why he did it. The reactions of the people around me made me keep quiet about my feelings and thoughts, everyone was horrified and sad and mystified why someone would do that. Even then I understood.

I got married when I was 29 to a woman I should never even have been with. the dynamics of the relationship were all wrong, I didnt want to be alone and she wanted to get away from her ex husband and claimed to be very in love with me. I have no idea how true this was, Im not claiming she wasnt , but she cheated on me with her ex within a year of marrying me and again and again during our 9 year marriage. I was no saint either and the whole thing was a mess. Im still in touch occasionally with the daughter of the woman I was married to and we talk sometimes. Its nice, I like her.

I have never seriously tried to kill myself. After my first marriage ended was as close as I have ever come. I was severely depressed and weighed around 675 pounds. I was trying to kill myself with food, taking a passive aggressive approach to it and figuring I would die eventually. When she left to go live with her daughter and told me she wanted a divorce I felt like such a failure. I had a bottle of painkillers and a bottle of Jack Daniels and a note written, but a friend happened to call me as I was settling in to take the pills and we talked for a few hours. I decided to give it one more day because she said she wanted to see me and we talked some more and hung out. I never told her what was going on when she called me. Time and circumstances have driven us apart and we arent friends any more but there will always be feelings for her somewhere inside me.

I took a look at my options and wound up moving in with a guy I have known for now for almost 30 years. He is pretty much my brother. I lived in his spare bedroom for almost as long as I had been married and slowly got a little better and better as time went by. I started taking a little better care of myself, there were even hours at a time when I didnt think about killing myself. I hated where I was living and my life in general but things were improving a bit. I made a few friends and started having a bit of a social life. Then I met the girl who helped me discover BDSM and the local community in Indianapolis.

Within a few months of my first BDSM related event, I met a lot of people that I know and treasure to this day. They accepted me. They didnt judge me. Sure, there was drama here and there but it was like a big family and what family doesnt have drama? It was within the BDSM community that I met the people who mean the most to me today and are the reason I am still alive. I married one of them, her name is Amy and she is my wife. I will love the other one as long as I live and then some, her name is Jessi and she is the one i turn to when I need someone to talk to. She fights the good fight against depression too and I can talk to her about things that I cant say to other people. She can with me too and we lean on each other when we need to. There is also Sarah, a great friend who helped me get rid of some baggage that plagued me for a very long time. And a lot of other people both in the distant and not so distant past that have supported me, loved me or just plain listened to me.

I still think about killing myself sometimes. Its just something I live with. Sometimes it seems like the best option of all the options I have. But not nearly as often as it has in the past and I dont think about it nearly as much. Where before I was lucky to have hours or even minutes when I didnt think about it now I can have whole days where I dont. I am working on being happier a lot more now than I ever have and I am lucky to have people around me to help me. I dont always remember that but I always try to.

.

Flickr Upload

This is Dogge the dog. Apparently Dogge is pronounced the same way the fist syllable of Dojo is. 

Begun, the New Year Has

So.
Its January 1 2013.
Another year.

I guess I should begin by introducing myself. I am Bill. I just turned 45 about a week and a half ago. If I had known I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself. I have moderate to severe depression and anxiety issues, a lot of self doubt and adequacy issues and more assorted baggage than a large department store. I am hoping this blog can help me deal with and change some of that. I was turned on to the idea of therapeutic writing by a girl I am very close to and I have been toying with the idea of starting something like this for a while now. The beginning of a new year seems as good a time as any, right? I usually think New Year resolutions are just so much bullshit, and therefore dont make them, so I figured I would make a list of stuff I want to try to work on this year instead. Things that I know would do me some good if I can accomplish them. With that in mind, here are a few things:

* I have created a Flickr page. I will try to put at least 200-300 pictures in it in 2013. Most, if not all, will be linked here.

* I have a 10" Android tablet and have the Kindle app on it. I am going to try to read 30 books this year. Again, most if not all will be linked here.

* I will try to improve my self care. Shower every day, brush my teeth every day, make sure I take all my meds every day and get prompt refills when I run out.

* As a side benefit of taking my meds every day, I will make sure the pets get their meds every day when they need them. They dont deserve to suffer because I feel lazy or out of sorts.

* I am going to try to do the dishes every day as needed and laundry once a week. In addition I want to try to get us a washer and dryer so laundry isnt such a hassle.

* Of course getting a washer and dryer involves getting a job and going back to work. Depending on the day, I have anywhere from a tight feeling in my chest to a full on panic attack when I think about getting a job these days. I need to get over that shit and get back to work, there is a lot of money out there and more of it needs to have my name on it.

* I will try to be more social and not give in to real or imagined feelings of wanting to isolate myself and be unsociable. I have some good people in my life and I dont see enough of them. I need to remember that more often.

* I am going to try to take more pictures and get more serious about photography in general this year. I love photography and have since I was a kid, there has to be something I can do with it

I figure this is a good start for now. I am hoping my friends will help me with this stuff and keep me accountable this year. I would really appreciate it.

Speaking of which, one more thing I want to work on is people. I need to try to pick out the people that are good and healthy for me to be around and spend more time with them and leave the people that I cant trust or that arent good for me alone. I have always loved The Crazy when it comes to women and in the immortal words of Roger Murtaugh "Im getting too old for this shit"