There have been a couple of surprises in my life lately. I need to get some bees out of my head, including a very large one that may surprise some people in my life. Here we go:
As many people know, Amy and I have been poly for a while now. I have been a lot more active than she has in this and have just very recently started meeting people I think have a shot at working long term. This may be because of my well known weakness for The Crazy, which I have recently put aside and stopped indulging.
I am torn. I had an incident in the poly world recently that has me of two minds. I met someone. It was good. Scary good. As long as I looked there wasnt another shoe dropping. We were chatting for 10-12 hours a day, very much into each other and it seemed amazing and damn near *gasp* perfect.
Then we met and hung out for the first time. Thus enters the first surprise.
Its pretty well known that in life there are people you are attracted to physically and people you just arent. There doesnt have to be a reason, it just isnt there physically. Most likely when forming an intimate relationship, thats attraction being absent is a dealbreaker. Well, thats what happened. We met and it wasnt there for her. Surprise! There was an initial flurry of panic and stress but she stepped the fuck up and knocked handling it out of the park. We are friends now and I am sure we are going to remain so. Sure, it hurts. A lot. But a good friend is something that is way too valuable and hard to find to be losing or not getting at all over something no one has any control over. She is amazing and I am very glad she is in my life.
So the two minds. Part of me wants to stop looking for anyone at all to be serious with. I have my wife and another woman in my life who is also amazing and whom I will love forever and then some. She came into my life at just the right time and is a savior for me and to me and I hope I can be the same to and for her. There is my wife. My rock. I will be with her until I die and love her even longer. Im not sure I need anyone else, but there are still things missing. Things I need. Im just not entirely convinced its worth the hurt to try and find them anymore. Im not going to make any decisions while the pain is still fresh, but soon I think I will have to decide.
I want to find someone I can have intimacy with. Intimacy doesnt mean sex, not completely. Intimacy is also BDSM play when the trust is there. Intimacy is sitting on the couch watching a movie and talking or cuddling. Intimacy is that...familiarity that you have with someone special. I want that with someone on a different level than I have it now with anyone in my life. Not necessarily a deeper level, just a different one. Time will tell if I can find it or if I give up.
On to surprise number 2:
We went to the IKS slosh tonight. There were a number of friends there that I enjoyed seeing again and as always connecting with, and then something happened. I got a request for a heavy play scene from a totally unexpected source. Most anyone who knows me, and apparently a lot of people who dont know me, know that I usually play very heavy. Punching, kicking, heavy impact with out of the normal toys, stun guns, and other implements of destruction. Thats the norm for me. They are home. The person who made the request of me knows this and I always thought it scared her pretty badly as it does a lot of the other women in my life. I guess I was wrong. We are going to negotiate and carry out a heavy impact and body play scene. This is something I badly need to do and something she needs dome to her badly so it will probably be pretty damn good for both of us. Once it happens and assuming she gives permission Im sure I will write about it here on these pages.
Surprise number 3:
Surprise number 3 isnt really a surprise at all, but more of a pleasant change. Amy has started dating. She is dating a very close friend of a number of years and they are very happy together. I dont want to talk about it a lot but I wanted to mention it here and say that I am very happy for both of them and all the happiness they have brought on, both for each other and to other people.
One final thing, aka surprise 4 aka Holy Shit, Brace Yourself If You Know Me:
I have had a few conversations about terminology and what a certain type of submissive is called or if there is even a name for it with a few people lately. There is a reason for this.
I think I have a budding service submissive side inside me. Im going to wait a minute for certain people to pick themselves up off the floor and others to stop laughing and then continue.
*
**
***
****
Right. Its true. I have recognized in myself almost a fetish for serving, pampering and caring for the body of a woman I am attracted to and who is the right person for me to do this with. Im not sure where it came from, I have always loved shaving a nice pussy or other things but I think it may be a full blown thing with me now. Much like the Daddy energy a lot of people say I have, its completely unexpected and unforseen. It will also have to be explored and maybe even encouraged, I am very curious and interested about it. Time will tell what it becomes but I think I am going to very much enjoy learning and experiencing this new side of me if I can bring myself to let it out.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Nana
This is a post about my grandmother. It started out as a chat I had with a wonderful new person in my life and I realized I have been wanting to talk about my grandma here for a long time. You guys didnt know her and you missed out because of that. Here is my post about her:
My grandma was my rock.
She raised me and was the only one who truly loved me. I can say that because I have solid evidence but its not something I can share with people. Maybe two or even three people in my entire life have that story.
My grandma called me once and asked me to come see her. I quit my job and flew(!) to see her. I dont fly. I hate it. If I was gonna die and the cure was a plane ride away I would drive
but for her, I flew.
We spent a week together. I did my stuff during the day while she slept off pain drugs and meds, but at 6pm every night we made iced tea and met on the porch and talked. We talked of her life, my life, everything. I told her everything I ever wanted to, she told me everything she needed to.
The day before I flew home we went to a BBQ joint. South Carolina is famous for its BBQ joints and this was one of the best. I was invited to tour the kitchen, she got cold while I was back there and went outside, where she stepped off the curb and broke her hip. I feel terrible guilt about that to this day at times. I should have been there.
I quit another job and delayed my return three days while she had hip replacement surgery. I got her settled to my satisfaction and came back to Indiana. One week later I was on a plane again to go to her funeral.
She knew. She knew she was going to die and called me, I went and I am forever glad I did.
When she died, the rest of the bio family died with her, at least to me they did. My chosen family here is what I have now. My wife and poly partners. My BDSM family. You know who you are and I fucking love every one of you. Yes, even you, asshole.
My grandma was my rock.
She raised me and was the only one who truly loved me. I can say that because I have solid evidence but its not something I can share with people. Maybe two or even three people in my entire life have that story.
My grandma called me once and asked me to come see her. I quit my job and flew(!) to see her. I dont fly. I hate it. If I was gonna die and the cure was a plane ride away I would drive
but for her, I flew.
We spent a week together. I did my stuff during the day while she slept off pain drugs and meds, but at 6pm every night we made iced tea and met on the porch and talked. We talked of her life, my life, everything. I told her everything I ever wanted to, she told me everything she needed to.
The day before I flew home we went to a BBQ joint. South Carolina is famous for its BBQ joints and this was one of the best. I was invited to tour the kitchen, she got cold while I was back there and went outside, where she stepped off the curb and broke her hip. I feel terrible guilt about that to this day at times. I should have been there.
I quit another job and delayed my return three days while she had hip replacement surgery. I got her settled to my satisfaction and came back to Indiana. One week later I was on a plane again to go to her funeral.
She knew. She knew she was going to die and called me, I went and I am forever glad I did.
When she died, the rest of the bio family died with her, at least to me they did. My chosen family here is what I have now. My wife and poly partners. My BDSM family. You know who you are and I fucking love every one of you. Yes, even you, asshole.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Karma?
I did something today that I normally wouldnt do.
I was at a gas station and when I pulled in I was grumpy and in a bad space, I just wanted to sit still for a while and it wasnt happening in the immediate future, not by a long shot. I noticed a very pretty woman unbuckling a kid from the back of a minivan and heading into the gas station, I think I admired her thighs and thats about it.
I got inside and bought a snack for the road and was paying for my gas when I heard the woman ask for $5 on the pump she was at. She was driving an older model minivan, she had a kid in it and was only buying $5 in gas, it was clearly all she could afford. I didnt even think about it, after she left I talked to the clerk and had him add an extra $20 on to the pump for her. He did and I walked out and told her the pump wasnt going to stop at $5 but was going to $25 and she and her little girl should enjoy the gas with a ride somewhere. She immediately looked at me mike I was some sort of creep or rapist and I could see her forming an escape plan in her mind so I backed off a few steps and said "Its OK, I just paid for you some extra gas. Have a good day and be safe".
Well, she started crying right there and gave me a hug. Unexpected. But I held her for a second and let her cry on me and when she pulled away I told her she was welcome and left. Immediately I felt better about myself, my day and my life.
I went on to give a new friend a few 10 gallon aquariums I had and her husband went into the truck and gave me some apple orchard honey from their bees. It smells amazing and I bet its going to be magical in some hot tea. Leaving there, I was right by an old friends house whom I havent seen in way too long, so I stopped by. Much laughter and conversation and reconnecting happened, it was a beautiful thing. Somewhere along in here I read a response from a small email I had sent which led to meeting a new friend and having an epic hours long conversation with her via text, Gchat, email and Fetlife mail. It was very nice. Later, I went to the bank and to get gas for the wife in her car and on the way home I drove by a neighborhood bar and saw the car of a friend that I havent talked to in way too long. I Uturned and parked and went in and she and I spent about a half hour talking and catching up and laughing, that was very cool.
A lot of good stuff happened after I helped that woman out. Im wondering if it would have happened anyway or did I help it happen by putting some good out to the universe? It could go either way, I think. Im not sure if I believe in karma or not, but I definitely respect the ideas of those who do and fully admit it could go either way.
I was at a gas station and when I pulled in I was grumpy and in a bad space, I just wanted to sit still for a while and it wasnt happening in the immediate future, not by a long shot. I noticed a very pretty woman unbuckling a kid from the back of a minivan and heading into the gas station, I think I admired her thighs and thats about it.
I got inside and bought a snack for the road and was paying for my gas when I heard the woman ask for $5 on the pump she was at. She was driving an older model minivan, she had a kid in it and was only buying $5 in gas, it was clearly all she could afford. I didnt even think about it, after she left I talked to the clerk and had him add an extra $20 on to the pump for her. He did and I walked out and told her the pump wasnt going to stop at $5 but was going to $25 and she and her little girl should enjoy the gas with a ride somewhere. She immediately looked at me mike I was some sort of creep or rapist and I could see her forming an escape plan in her mind so I backed off a few steps and said "Its OK, I just paid for you some extra gas. Have a good day and be safe".
Well, she started crying right there and gave me a hug. Unexpected. But I held her for a second and let her cry on me and when she pulled away I told her she was welcome and left. Immediately I felt better about myself, my day and my life.
I went on to give a new friend a few 10 gallon aquariums I had and her husband went into the truck and gave me some apple orchard honey from their bees. It smells amazing and I bet its going to be magical in some hot tea. Leaving there, I was right by an old friends house whom I havent seen in way too long, so I stopped by. Much laughter and conversation and reconnecting happened, it was a beautiful thing. Somewhere along in here I read a response from a small email I had sent which led to meeting a new friend and having an epic hours long conversation with her via text, Gchat, email and Fetlife mail. It was very nice. Later, I went to the bank and to get gas for the wife in her car and on the way home I drove by a neighborhood bar and saw the car of a friend that I havent talked to in way too long. I Uturned and parked and went in and she and I spent about a half hour talking and catching up and laughing, that was very cool.
A lot of good stuff happened after I helped that woman out. Im wondering if it would have happened anyway or did I help it happen by putting some good out to the universe? It could go either way, I think. Im not sure if I believe in karma or not, but I definitely respect the ideas of those who do and fully admit it could go either way.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Here we are....and here we go
So once again its been a long time since I have written here. Big surprise, right? I dont know why I cant make myself write here more often, when I do it I feel better about things, even if only for a short time.
Major changes are afoot in my life.
The wife/sub and I have decided to redo our entire BDSM relationship. Starting pretty much from the ground up. We have really fallen away from it for a long time now and it is badly in need of attention, so this is a good thing. About two years ago we decided to open our relationship and try being poly. It has really helped and strengthened us and is going stronger than ever. I embraced the poly lifestyle pretty soon after we decided that, she has recently started dating her first partner and is very happy. I have also met someone within the last six months and am very much in love and happier than I have been in a long time. The wife and I agreed that being poly has helped our relationship a lot and then took a look at our BDSM relationship and decided it was lacking. So we are starting over.
I am going to make more of an effort to be the type of Dominant she needs, to fill more of her needs in that area. It might not be easy, but I need to try and I am sure I can do it. I think it will also help me in my newer relationship so that will be good too. Its definitely going to be a learning experience and I suspect that once I get into it, I will wish I had done this a long time ago.
The bees are back. I have talked before this about sometimes feeling that there are a million bees all buzzing in my head at the same time, to many thoughts, ideas and concerns get together and create something like a white noise that makes it hard to focus at times. Commencing brain dump to try and get rid of some of them in the next few paragraphs:
I have been fighting depression again. My particular brand of depression is a motherfucker, it gets inside my head and sings sweet songs to me that are total lies, but that I cannot help but believe. It makes me think that no one could possibly love me, that no one would miss me if I were gone. That I shouldnt believe anyone who says they have feelings for me, and in a new twist my depression is trying to make me turn to food to solve the hurt. Depression hasnt done this to me since about 15 years ago and then I wound up shooting up to almost 700 pounds and was about half a step from dying. It sucked and I have come so far that I will be damned if I am going back.
The amount of affection being shown to me in my new relationship is amazing. I have never been the focus of anything like it. It makes me uncomfortable at times but Katrina has a way of taking my discomfort away and putting me at ease. I decided a while back to go all in with this, I will have no doubts or hesitations and will believe that I am worth it. I have been doing well on that score, especially for me. I am completely and utterly in love with her.
I have found a vehicle. In six days I will take possession of a 1998 Buick Roadmaster Wagon if all goes well. According to everything I can google up, this is simply a battleship on wheels. I have a feeling I will be enjoying it immensely. It will be good to have some wheels of my own, I havent felt right since I havent had my own vehicle. I am very lucky in that when I got a job my father in law basically gave me his truck to use as I needed it but there is nothing like your own set of wheels, man.
Operation Defuckify The House has commenced. One of my major depression triggers seems to be living in a cluttered house. And I do. So we are going to get this place clean and make a serious effort to keep it that way. Not only will we be able to have people over without being embarrassed, it will make it much happier living here. I am determined to not isolate and hermit myself this winter like I usually do. I have enlisted some help and its going to be a battle but I think I can win.
Major changes are afoot in my life.
The wife/sub and I have decided to redo our entire BDSM relationship. Starting pretty much from the ground up. We have really fallen away from it for a long time now and it is badly in need of attention, so this is a good thing. About two years ago we decided to open our relationship and try being poly. It has really helped and strengthened us and is going stronger than ever. I embraced the poly lifestyle pretty soon after we decided that, she has recently started dating her first partner and is very happy. I have also met someone within the last six months and am very much in love and happier than I have been in a long time. The wife and I agreed that being poly has helped our relationship a lot and then took a look at our BDSM relationship and decided it was lacking. So we are starting over.
I am going to make more of an effort to be the type of Dominant she needs, to fill more of her needs in that area. It might not be easy, but I need to try and I am sure I can do it. I think it will also help me in my newer relationship so that will be good too. Its definitely going to be a learning experience and I suspect that once I get into it, I will wish I had done this a long time ago.
The bees are back. I have talked before this about sometimes feeling that there are a million bees all buzzing in my head at the same time, to many thoughts, ideas and concerns get together and create something like a white noise that makes it hard to focus at times. Commencing brain dump to try and get rid of some of them in the next few paragraphs:
I have been fighting depression again. My particular brand of depression is a motherfucker, it gets inside my head and sings sweet songs to me that are total lies, but that I cannot help but believe. It makes me think that no one could possibly love me, that no one would miss me if I were gone. That I shouldnt believe anyone who says they have feelings for me, and in a new twist my depression is trying to make me turn to food to solve the hurt. Depression hasnt done this to me since about 15 years ago and then I wound up shooting up to almost 700 pounds and was about half a step from dying. It sucked and I have come so far that I will be damned if I am going back.
The amount of affection being shown to me in my new relationship is amazing. I have never been the focus of anything like it. It makes me uncomfortable at times but Katrina has a way of taking my discomfort away and putting me at ease. I decided a while back to go all in with this, I will have no doubts or hesitations and will believe that I am worth it. I have been doing well on that score, especially for me. I am completely and utterly in love with her.
I have found a vehicle. In six days I will take possession of a 1998 Buick Roadmaster Wagon if all goes well. According to everything I can google up, this is simply a battleship on wheels. I have a feeling I will be enjoying it immensely. It will be good to have some wheels of my own, I havent felt right since I havent had my own vehicle. I am very lucky in that when I got a job my father in law basically gave me his truck to use as I needed it but there is nothing like your own set of wheels, man.
Operation Defuckify The House has commenced. One of my major depression triggers seems to be living in a cluttered house. And I do. So we are going to get this place clean and make a serious effort to keep it that way. Not only will we be able to have people over without being embarrassed, it will make it much happier living here. I am determined to not isolate and hermit myself this winter like I usually do. I have enlisted some help and its going to be a battle but I think I can win.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)