Bitch, Please!

Update: That chick was hilarious. She thought getting loud with me in public would back me down. Bitch, please. Wrong guy, wrong situation. The conversation went like this:

Dog Lady (DL): Why are you leaning on my car? Ohmygod, did you hit it?
Me: No, I was counting down 5 minutes before I broke your window and took that dog.
DL: (confused look) What?
Me: This is your car, right? So thats your dog?
DL: Yes
Me: You had about a minute left before I broke this window and took that dog. You cant be leaving a dog in a car on a hot day like today.
DL: You were going to break into my car?
Me: Yep. If you dont start the car and turn on the AC right now I still might.
DL: (Yelling loudly and pushing into my space)YOU WERE GOING TO BREAK INTO MY CAR!?
Me: (Right in her face, I mean I could smell her breath) YES, I WAS GOING TO BREAK INTO YOUR FUCKING CAR AND STEAL THAT DOG. YOU DONT LEAVE A DOG IN A CAR ON A HOT DAY LIKE TODAY!
DL: IM CALLING 911
Me: (In a reasonable voice) Go right ahead. When they get here I will tell them whats going on and laugh as they deal with you.
DL: (Gets into her car and starts it as she talks to 911. I can tell she is thinking of driving off so I walk around and stand behind her car. She would have to hit me to leave now)
Me: (Writes down her plate number and the make/model of the car)
DL: Get out of the way, Im leaving.
Me; (Pleasantly) Fuck you.
Strange Voice: Actually I called 911 about twenty minutes ago. On my way into the store. I gave them your plate number and car type.
DL and I both look around to see a older black lady (OBL) with a very large hat on. I notice a police car pulling into the parking lot.
Me: Looks like they are here

The cop pulls up and DL proceeds to tell him that I have been "talking shit" and threatening her. Policeman looks at me like "Well?"

Me: Technically I never threatened her. I told her I would have broken into her car and taken her dog if she hadnt come out within a minute of when she had.
Cop: And would you have?
DL: (makes a snorting noise like “He’s busted”)
Me: Yes I would have. She had 43 seconds left. I set a timer on my phone.
OBL: She was in that store for at least 20 minutes. Thats when I called 911.
Cop: (Gives DL a really dirty look) Ma’am, do you know how hot it is today? Already?
DL: He was going to break into my car!
Cop: You left a dog in a hot car while you shopped. Thats illegal, ma’am. Statute (string of numbers and letters)
DL: But, but
Cop: I wish I could give you a ticket, but I didnt actually see the dog in the hot car. You’re lucky.
DL: He also said Fuck You to me.
Me: (Utterly without thinking) At least I didnt call her a bitch.
Cop: (Look over at me) Not helping
Me: Shutting up, now.
Cop: The dog seems OK. (petting the dog) Why dont we just call this a misunderstanding and you guys leave in different directions.
DL: (About to start whining now) But...
Cop: Or I can start writing tickets and arresting people
DL: FINE! (The bitch actually stamped her foot at this point. The cop and I both laughed a little)
Cop: (Looks at me) You cant be just breaking into cars. Call 911 next time.
Me: Thanks, Officer. I will.
Cop: You guys have a nice day now. (Gets in his car and pulls off slowly)

I stood there until DL was out of sight and gave her the stinkeye. OBL touched my arm and told me I was a good person and walked on to her car.

Im home safe now. And not going to let that bitch ruin my day.

OKC and Me!

OK, this might make me sound like a snob or something, but Im really not. I have been redoing my OKCupid profile after getting a message on there from a friend I already knew. I took a look at my profile and I decided it could be a lot better. I redid it and then started looking around at other profiles and am sort of wondering why I bothered.

PSA: If you are proud enough of your education to say that you went to “collage”, Im not going to even look at the rest of your profile. If you say you are always “loosing” your keys and it drives you crazy, Im passing you by. If your entire profile contains one period, one comma and one random other form of punctuation, you will not be hearing from me. Grammar isnt that hard and it isnt your enemy.
     If you mention God more than once or twice, Im going to pass. I appreciate sadism, it just isnt a quality I want in a Deity.
     I will judge you if your pictures are out of focus. Call it a quirk, but really...is it that hard to focus? The camera usually does it for you these days. If you do that ducklips thing, I reserve the right to send you a mocking message. That was never cool, not even when those orange freaks from New Jersey tried to make it popular.
     If you dont fill out your profile at all, why would anyone message you? You’re either lazy or not willing to try, no one has time for that shit.
     If you make fun of, talk shit about or in any way disparage gay people, trans people, or anyone else for that matter, I will likely write you hate mail after I report your profile for general fucktardedness.
     If you say you dont like animals at all, just fuck you in general.
     If you feel the need to body shame anyone for any reason, I hope the people you despise most start sending you pictures of their genitals and never stop. May you wake up to an inbox full of cock every morning and go to sleep dreaming about it.
     If you use letters where there should be words, I hope you get run over by a bookmobile you lazy fuck. Type that shit out, it isnt that hard.

So here we are. The new version of my profile is up and running and I messaged a girl or two. Im not holding my breath for anything great to happen, but surprises are always nice :)