My doctor called me today. Just to check on me. When she couldnt get to me she called Amy and left her personal cell phone number for me to call her back. I did and she said that she just wanted to make sure I was doing OK after the biopsy and waking up and that she was worried about me. She also told me that we would have news on the sample by Tuesday and would then plan what comes next. We. Like we are in this together. I like that.
I have been giving a lot of thought to what might happen. Probably too much thought for my broken brain to be doing. I am trying really hard to not dwell on the bad outcomes and mostly succeeding. I have thought about it just enough to try and prepare myself for if this goes bad.
Cancer. I need to say it. I might have cancer. I feel like I have been avoiding saying it and if I do that then the idea, the possibility, they gain power over me. Fuck that noise. I wont let something like that have any power over me. I really dont want to have cancer but if it comes down to it and I do, it wont control or scare me, I will just figure it out and get through it. I really dont want to die, but if it comes down to it, Im not scared of it. I have been to the edge and a little beyond, both by my own hand and the hands of fate on more than one occasion, it simply cant scare me any more. I wont give it that power. It needs to be said. It doesnt, however, need or deserve to be dwelt on.
Something else I have not talked about out of a fear of jinxing it or having things go wrong. I have met someone and come to like her a lot. As usual for my luck, she lives a long way away, over 2000 miles. We talk and Skype and text all the time lately and are really into each other, I think its going to turn into something really good. Amy will always be number one for me and she accepts that without hesitation. I am quite smitten and hopeful. Its a very different sort of relationship than I have ever had.
She has a dark side. Its amazing. I have one too and am very hesitant to let it out very much or show it to people, I have lost friends because they found out how deep it can go. This girl understands, hr dark side runs as deep as mine it seems. Im pretty sure thats rare. I know its amazing. Someone who can understand and share my dark side, talk about it and be trusted to not think I am crazy or run away is very valuable to me. I like the idea of having that in a relationship a lot. Ever since Amy and I first started talking about our relationship and opening things up a little, I have wanted something like I think this is going to turn out to be. I am not interested in one time encounters, one night stands or even really in short term encounters, I want more of an ongoing passion, a relationship with feelings and depth. I had just about come to the conclusion that such a thing didnt exist. I am happy to be well along in the process of being proven wrong. Im still too nervous to use a name or say who she is out of the jinxing fear, I know its silly but its there.
So...the doc said I should know something on Tuesday. Either way the news goes, I will probably hold back a bit and update people accordingly before shouting to the masses on Facebook. Then things will be adjusted accordingly I imagine, though what the adjustments might be escape me totally right now. I am, however, going to be doing a living will and DNR form, something I did before the weight loss surgery and never got filed. I have been meaning to for a long time and now is a good time. They are simple to do and prevent a whole lot of trouble in certain cases. If anyone is interested, I can pass along the forms and web addresses I find for Indiana or other states as needed, just ask.
So these are the happenings in my life right now. Basically in a holding pattern waiting for Tuesday and after that I need to get my shit back together in the second half of this year. I am tired of a lot of things in my life and they need to change. One of them, as always, is writing here more. *sigh*
