Today I made french onion soup for the first time. I made it for dinner by special request of the girl, who is sick and wanted some soup. It turned out pretty damn good, nice and oniony with a hint of the mushrooms I diced and added. The mushrooms also thickened it a little which was nice.
I served it with croutons and mozzarella cheese on top. the boiling soup turned the cheese and croutons into one giant bowl of onion flavored goodness. Im really liking getting back into the kitchen, I have a loaf of bread going now, in fact.
The depression is back. I have been wondering when it was going to hit again, and here it is. Money problems, communication problems and other life issues have been adding up and its just a little overwhelming. Things are getting better slowly, at least they were until the clutch on Amy's car decided it was a good time to go out and take the brakes on my car with them. The brakes will last a bit longer but the clutch is shot.
I feel like I have a million things inside me all pushing and pulling in different directions. They all buzz like bees. Its a feeling I have had many times before but it actually went away for a while and it was very nice. Now its back. Im hoping that continuing therapy and staying on my meds will take them away again. I was hoping to join a gym and start exercising and tanning regularly, I really think that would help, but the money just isnt there right now what with the cars going bad. Soon.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Daddy Issues and other various things...
I have been thinking a lot about my Daddy side lately. I think in the new year I am going to try and nurture that side of me and see what happens with it. A few things and experiences of varying degrees brought these feelings on.
In the past month or so I have met three women who are into Daddy/girl play of one form or another. It fascinating the differences there can be in the same basic dynamic. One is very closeted about it and is almost shy about talking about it but when you bring out the incest roleplay and talk it gets her going in a major way. The taboo of it totally turns her on. Another has self professed Daddy issues and it really gets her off to be talked to like she is a little girl being spoken to by her father. The third really loves role play and slips into it unconsciously at times during conversations. Whether sexual or not she loves the roleplay.
There is another girl too, a friend I have had for years. We have an on and off Uncle/niece relationship that isnt sexual at all. She is a little with me and I am her protector and Big person. We have been to dinner in these roles and it was amazing. She was concerned that someone might make fun of her teddy bear and rainbow socks and I was able to assure her that no one would be doing that while I was around her. It felt good to be her protector, its a feeling I like a lot. We talked tonight, in fact, and agreed that we were going to get together soon and talk about furthering our Big/little relationship. That felt good. She is in another state about to have emergency surgery and I was totally ready to drive there and take her a stuffed animal she loves because she needed it. Thats the amount of protectiveness the right girl can inspire in me. It really pushes buttons deep inside me if its the right person. I say person because there have been guys that have pushed these buttons too. Thats another angle of this thing I hope to explore one day.
Dont get me wrong, I am still a huge sadist. Giving pain is still a major turn on for me and I think it always will be. I have a bit of a reputation in our circles as a heavy player and someone to be more or less feared. I enjoyed that for a long time but I think now its time to change the rules of the game and take a look at the softer side of me. I still want to play heavy and there are a few things I want to do that I dont know if I will ever find the right person to do them with, but the more sensual and seductive forms of play have become more and more interesting to me lately.
On New Years Eve, the three scenes I had with TallGingerGirl were indicative of this. The spanking part of our play wasnt very heavy, it was pretty sensual. The midnight kiss it got me was fucking amazing too, lip and tongue bite and all. The violet wand part of the scene was really fun, but a lot of that was the talking and laughing we were doing, I enjoyed that as much as anything else. The hitachi part of the evening was just hot as fuck and had the added good feeling of her telling me I was one of the three people she would trust do do that with her.
Another thing that is interesting to me. I have almost completely stopped confusing my protective side with the White Knight that lives inside me. They are vastly different. The White Knight is, for lack of better words, fucking stupid. He does what he does in hopes of winning approval from people who I most of the time shouldnt be seeking approval from anyway. I have recently ended all contact with the last two of these people in my life and I feel pretty good about it. It feels good to have recognized that my White Knight has limits and was exceeding them and doing more harm than good. I dont need to be trying to rescue or fix anyone, I can barely take care of my fucking self.
--
Speaking of the New Year, I have set a few goals for the coming year. Im not calling them resolutions because they really arent, its just stuff I want to do and in some cases should have done long ago. I really need to get my shit together.
Im planning to join a gym at some point. So far the money hasnt been right for me to but I have the gym picked out and its open 24/7 so I can go at odd hours as my sleep schedule allows and figure out a workout that helps me as well as swimming and tanning and hot tubbing. I think it will help my depression and my general health, I have put on weight again this winter without meaning to and need to lose it.
I have emptied the Kindle of books and am going to download books to it as I read them. My goal is to read at least 8 books this year, new books that I have never read before.
I want to get a decent job. I find myself longing for a 9-5 type thing, something I never thought I would want. A regular schedule, decent pay and maybe even benefits.
We will see what becomes of all this. I also want to take more pictures and write more both here and in my other journal. Those things I am pretty sure I can do...
In the past month or so I have met three women who are into Daddy/girl play of one form or another. It fascinating the differences there can be in the same basic dynamic. One is very closeted about it and is almost shy about talking about it but when you bring out the incest roleplay and talk it gets her going in a major way. The taboo of it totally turns her on. Another has self professed Daddy issues and it really gets her off to be talked to like she is a little girl being spoken to by her father. The third really loves role play and slips into it unconsciously at times during conversations. Whether sexual or not she loves the roleplay.
There is another girl too, a friend I have had for years. We have an on and off Uncle/niece relationship that isnt sexual at all. She is a little with me and I am her protector and Big person. We have been to dinner in these roles and it was amazing. She was concerned that someone might make fun of her teddy bear and rainbow socks and I was able to assure her that no one would be doing that while I was around her. It felt good to be her protector, its a feeling I like a lot. We talked tonight, in fact, and agreed that we were going to get together soon and talk about furthering our Big/little relationship. That felt good. She is in another state about to have emergency surgery and I was totally ready to drive there and take her a stuffed animal she loves because she needed it. Thats the amount of protectiveness the right girl can inspire in me. It really pushes buttons deep inside me if its the right person. I say person because there have been guys that have pushed these buttons too. Thats another angle of this thing I hope to explore one day.
Dont get me wrong, I am still a huge sadist. Giving pain is still a major turn on for me and I think it always will be. I have a bit of a reputation in our circles as a heavy player and someone to be more or less feared. I enjoyed that for a long time but I think now its time to change the rules of the game and take a look at the softer side of me. I still want to play heavy and there are a few things I want to do that I dont know if I will ever find the right person to do them with, but the more sensual and seductive forms of play have become more and more interesting to me lately.
On New Years Eve, the three scenes I had with TallGingerGirl were indicative of this. The spanking part of our play wasnt very heavy, it was pretty sensual. The midnight kiss it got me was fucking amazing too, lip and tongue bite and all. The violet wand part of the scene was really fun, but a lot of that was the talking and laughing we were doing, I enjoyed that as much as anything else. The hitachi part of the evening was just hot as fuck and had the added good feeling of her telling me I was one of the three people she would trust do do that with her.
Another thing that is interesting to me. I have almost completely stopped confusing my protective side with the White Knight that lives inside me. They are vastly different. The White Knight is, for lack of better words, fucking stupid. He does what he does in hopes of winning approval from people who I most of the time shouldnt be seeking approval from anyway. I have recently ended all contact with the last two of these people in my life and I feel pretty good about it. It feels good to have recognized that my White Knight has limits and was exceeding them and doing more harm than good. I dont need to be trying to rescue or fix anyone, I can barely take care of my fucking self.
--
Speaking of the New Year, I have set a few goals for the coming year. Im not calling them resolutions because they really arent, its just stuff I want to do and in some cases should have done long ago. I really need to get my shit together.
Im planning to join a gym at some point. So far the money hasnt been right for me to but I have the gym picked out and its open 24/7 so I can go at odd hours as my sleep schedule allows and figure out a workout that helps me as well as swimming and tanning and hot tubbing. I think it will help my depression and my general health, I have put on weight again this winter without meaning to and need to lose it.
I have emptied the Kindle of books and am going to download books to it as I read them. My goal is to read at least 8 books this year, new books that I have never read before.
I want to get a decent job. I find myself longing for a 9-5 type thing, something I never thought I would want. A regular schedule, decent pay and maybe even benefits.
We will see what becomes of all this. I also want to take more pictures and write more both here and in my other journal. Those things I am pretty sure I can do...
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Social Media and Bucket Lists
So its only the second of January and already I am seeing a lot of negativity and passive aggressiveness on social media. What the fuck, humans? Are you not going to even give the new year a chance to gt underway good before you start dwelling on shit from the past? Some free advice from your old Uncle Bill, it makes you look bad. It changes the way people think about you. It keeps negativity and useless feelings in your mind. What grade are we in now?
Disclaimer: When I say negativity and passive aggressiveness, Im not talking about Vaguebooking once in a while or venting on any social media site once in a while. Everyone falls to that level very occasionally. Im talking about constantly, even over time, sniping and lobbing hurtful things from the sidelines. Im talking about acting as if you were never happy with that one person or living in that one place or having that one thing. If you were never happy and stayed/lived/existed so long, you pretty much deserve the butthurt you are experiencing. If you were happy, even occasionally, and stayed that long then you did so for a reason and you should dwell on the happy times and what you took away from that and from those times.
Its pretty much not a secret that The Girl and I have had a rough time for a while in our relationship. Stress coming from both the outside and from within came probably closer than either of us realize to tearing us apart. It scared the fuck out of me and still does when I think about it, but neither of us ever took to social media and fired shots at the other. There was random Vaguebooking and Fetlife sniping, but it was mostly done without thinking and there damn sure wasnt a lot of it and most of what there was was misdirected. As I said, everyone falls to that level once in a while.
Since I restarted therapy, I have been learning new ways of dealing with feelings and emotions that can tend to bring such times about. I have made some pretty big steps recently in letting go of and dealing with feelings and thoughts about certain things that affected our relationship and still continue to do so. Not to be immodest, but I am sort of proud of myself and I like the feeling, both the feeling I got when I dealt with things in a productive way and the feeling that continues of less stress and trouble in my primary relationship. It feels good to deal with things and be able to say that I did it in a productive and helpful manner instead of resorting to sniper shots from the dark and overblowing the negatives until they are huge and mythical. I am learning to trust and to accept trust when it is offered to me also. This is huge for me.
I have never been one for New Years resolutions. I usually blow them off pretty quickly, like most other people, and forget about them. A few friends on Fetlife and Facebook have started doing Bucket Lists for each year and then going back at the end of the year to check their progress or posting updates through the year as they check off a list item. I think this may be a good substitute and have started working on a 2014 Bucket List:
- I want to lose 50 pounds before GLLA 2014
- I want to do the Exotic Feline Rescue Center’s “Run Through The Jungle” 5k walk/run in May 2014
- In an effort to make the above two happen as well as get my body in better shape to go along with getting my mind in better shape, I am going to join Golds Gym and start exercising more
- Continue to work on improving my primary relationship. Develop a healthy and good secondary relationship(s). There are already candidates for this that I like very much. This is a good feeling and a good thing
I think thats enough of a list for now, there are some pretty big goals there. Enough to keep me busy for a while, I suspect. Some of the people I know are also doing kinky bucket lists, I am going to work on one of those and make it a separate post.
Now I go forth onto the internet and attempt to locate the unicorn that is a pair of size 18 high top sneakers that dont cost a million dollars because they have some asshole I dont care abouts name on them. Preferably in black. The shoes, not the asshole I dont care about.
Wish me luck...
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
New Years Eve
New Years Eve
We spent New Years Eve this year at a new place, a swing club. They have started hosting kink events and are very kink friendly, both the wife and I have become very friendly with the owners and several people there. They had a huge New Years Eve party last night and we attended, along with a lot of other people we know.
It was a blast. I saw a lot of kinky play, from rope to impact play to violet wand play. I helped a pup do his first topping scene and he knocked it out of the park. I taught him a bit about canes and crops as he worked over the back of a very sexy girl. We all agreed that he has a slight sadist in him somewhere and that we would meet again and try to bring it out a little more. Looking forward to that.
I had three different scenes with the same girl, all of them amazing. Im going to call her TallGingerGirl when I write about her, because she is tall and a ginger. We started out with a violet wand scene, her second of the night and my first in a long time. We played with the wand for a while, talking and laughing and zapping and touching and wow, it was great. Then she shared with me that I was one of the very few people she would trust to use a Hitachi on her, and that since it was New Years Eve, we should go get the other two people she trusted and try it out.
Well who am I to argue with a pretty girl, right?
Arrangements were made and people were fetched and suddenly I was holding the legs of a six foot redhead while another guy held her arms and a beautiful woman fucked her with a toy and used a Hitachi on her. I felt like one of the luckiest bastards on the face of the earth. I started spanking her thigh and rubbing her here and there and pretty soon it all became too much for her, there was a sensory overload it seemed. She needed to stop and we did. The other two left and I held her and rubbed her back for a while as she recovered and we talked. That was pretty amazing.
And then began the spanking portion of the evenings program.
It started out slowly, touches and light almost teasing slaps on the butt and backs of the thighs. Pretty soon we were both very interested in where it was going to go and a few implements of ass destruction came out. A crop was used and a cane as well. We figured she was more of a thud lover than a sting girl and went back to the hand, and soon I could tell that she was pretty close to being done. About that time we heard a voice over the PA say “One minute till midnight” and there was a slight panic, as we had no idea the New Year was so close. I had promised the wife a kiss at midnight and the only way I could think to deliver would be to run out shirtless and shoeless, kiss her at midnight and run back to the room before people started throwing things at my big ass. I sort of laughed a little at this thought and then it was time for the countdown and TGG and I agreed we would kiss each other. Now that I think about it, that was our first real kiss. There had been a small kiss or two before then but nothing major, however the kiss at midnight was absolutely pants tightening. She bit my tongue after going for my lip and missing and then bit my lip and drew a little blood, it was hot as fuck. I still have a sore on the inside of my lip and still run my tongue over it regularly and revel in the pain and memories of that kiss. We finished up shortly after that and I went to find the wife and take my kick in the ass.
Turned out she was pretty understanding about me missing the kiss and actually amused when I told her about thinking about running out there. She knows I didnt do it on purpose and that we are going to have a great year together anyway. We spent a lot of the rest of the night talking and laughing about it and being among friends, both together and separately, which is huge for me and for us. We have had our fair share of problems recently but they are being defeated and dealt with one by one and will continue to be until they are all gone and we are as strong as ever as a couple.
Both of us are damned determined to make that so...
We spent New Years Eve this year at a new place, a swing club. They have started hosting kink events and are very kink friendly, both the wife and I have become very friendly with the owners and several people there. They had a huge New Years Eve party last night and we attended, along with a lot of other people we know.
It was a blast. I saw a lot of kinky play, from rope to impact play to violet wand play. I helped a pup do his first topping scene and he knocked it out of the park. I taught him a bit about canes and crops as he worked over the back of a very sexy girl. We all agreed that he has a slight sadist in him somewhere and that we would meet again and try to bring it out a little more. Looking forward to that.
I had three different scenes with the same girl, all of them amazing. Im going to call her TallGingerGirl when I write about her, because she is tall and a ginger. We started out with a violet wand scene, her second of the night and my first in a long time. We played with the wand for a while, talking and laughing and zapping and touching and wow, it was great. Then she shared with me that I was one of the very few people she would trust to use a Hitachi on her, and that since it was New Years Eve, we should go get the other two people she trusted and try it out.
Well who am I to argue with a pretty girl, right?
Arrangements were made and people were fetched and suddenly I was holding the legs of a six foot redhead while another guy held her arms and a beautiful woman fucked her with a toy and used a Hitachi on her. I felt like one of the luckiest bastards on the face of the earth. I started spanking her thigh and rubbing her here and there and pretty soon it all became too much for her, there was a sensory overload it seemed. She needed to stop and we did. The other two left and I held her and rubbed her back for a while as she recovered and we talked. That was pretty amazing.
And then began the spanking portion of the evenings program.
It started out slowly, touches and light almost teasing slaps on the butt and backs of the thighs. Pretty soon we were both very interested in where it was going to go and a few implements of ass destruction came out. A crop was used and a cane as well. We figured she was more of a thud lover than a sting girl and went back to the hand, and soon I could tell that she was pretty close to being done. About that time we heard a voice over the PA say “One minute till midnight” and there was a slight panic, as we had no idea the New Year was so close. I had promised the wife a kiss at midnight and the only way I could think to deliver would be to run out shirtless and shoeless, kiss her at midnight and run back to the room before people started throwing things at my big ass. I sort of laughed a little at this thought and then it was time for the countdown and TGG and I agreed we would kiss each other. Now that I think about it, that was our first real kiss. There had been a small kiss or two before then but nothing major, however the kiss at midnight was absolutely pants tightening. She bit my tongue after going for my lip and missing and then bit my lip and drew a little blood, it was hot as fuck. I still have a sore on the inside of my lip and still run my tongue over it regularly and revel in the pain and memories of that kiss. We finished up shortly after that and I went to find the wife and take my kick in the ass.
Turned out she was pretty understanding about me missing the kiss and actually amused when I told her about thinking about running out there. She knows I didnt do it on purpose and that we are going to have a great year together anyway. We spent a lot of the rest of the night talking and laughing about it and being among friends, both together and separately, which is huge for me and for us. We have had our fair share of problems recently but they are being defeated and dealt with one by one and will continue to be until they are all gone and we are as strong as ever as a couple.
Both of us are damned determined to make that so...
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