Went to the gym again today. I walked for 15 minutes but I somehow fucked up the treadmill computer halfway through so I dont know how far I walked. I know I was on a pace to beat my last distance though. I also biked half a mile before my right leg started cramping. That sort of sucked, but I knew I was a little dehydrated going in so it wasnt totally unexpected. I bought a big bottle of water for $1 and went to sit in the sauna. I love the sauna, its hot as fuck in there and warms me all the way through to my core. Sure, I sweat like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee, but thats the point. I did make one mistake though. I figured I was warm enough all the way through and tried to be a badass by not wearing my heavy coat out to the truck when I left. I just had on my hoodie and sweatpants. By the time I got halfway to the truck I was shivering and calling myself a dumbass. But I lived and I feel pretty damn good right now. I also sat the tanning bed for 7 minutes. 5 minutes didnt warm me up enough to start the workout and 10 burned me so I have settled on 7 for now to start with.
Also had a good day building up the connection with Amy. We have been feeling sort of disconnected and lonely lately and we had some good intimate time today and a lot of talk and it helped a lot. Hopefully we can keep going and continue to build the connection. Friday we go to dinner at the new guy friends house, I am looking forward to that a lot.
So far this has been a very middle of the road week, I was depressed as fuck Monday and Tuesday and today it lifted nicely. Hopefully it continues to lift and I can get back to some sort of normal, especially since I now have 90 days worth of all of my meds and am religiously trying to take them as scheduled. Hopefully it starts to warm up in a few weeks and maybe I can stop being cold all the time and start feeling better more often.
I hate winter...
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Operation -70 by GLLA is GO!
Begun, the workouts have. I weighed myself tonight, had a picture taken of me and went to the gym for the first serious time. GLLA is in late August and I want to be down under 300 pounds.
I fucking weigh 368 pounds. 368. That number keeps ringing in my head. It sounds like a bell made of failure and Fuck You. I didnt have weight loss surgery and go through the year afterwards so I could weigh 368 pounds. I didnt suffer like I did, learn to eat again, cry and want to kill myself because it hurt so bad and because I wanted to eat so bad just to carry my ass back to 368 pounds. I didnt go from near death, raging diabetes, dangerously high blood pressure and being unable to walk a flight of steps without a cat at the top meowing encouragement at me (yes, seriously. Ask Amy if you dont believe me.) just to go back to 368 pounds.
It could be worse. I was convinced I was over 400. If I had been, it would have sent me to a deep dark place I dont even want to think about any more. It took me damn near a week to get up the courage to step on that scale I was so sure. I know I scared Amy talking about it. I made sure to weigh while she was here so she wouldnt be worrying.
Tonight at the gym I started off with 5 minutes in the tanning bed. That got me warm pretty much and hopefully didnt make the burns I got when I jumped to ten minutes any worse. I think tanning is going to help with my depression, I have been 5-6 times over the past week or so and I can feel it starting to ease up a little. I see my brain doc tomorrow and get refills on my sleeping pills and antidepressant boosters so that should help too.
After the tan I walked for 15 minutes on the treadmill. I varied the speed and could never really figure out the right speed to walk at consistently. In 15 minutes I did .56 of a mile. I think I may switch that part up and walk for distance instead of time and keep track of how much time it takes to go, say, .75 of a mile to start. I dont like the treadmill, for some reason it made me dizzy. When it gets warmer I will probably start walking outside or find a track or something.
Then I got on a recumbent bike and did a mile. That took almost 6 minutes, clocking in at 5:56. I have no idea if this is good or not but I hurt a little after the mile so I stopped there.
Then it was time for the sauna. I spent about 15 minutes inside, sweating like a Republican at a truth telling contest and drinking water. I didnt drink enough apparently, Im cramping a little in my foot. Must remember to drink more water.
Now the real test. Lets see how I feel when I wake up, if I can walk tomorrow. I remain optomistic...
I fucking weigh 368 pounds. 368. That number keeps ringing in my head. It sounds like a bell made of failure and Fuck You. I didnt have weight loss surgery and go through the year afterwards so I could weigh 368 pounds. I didnt suffer like I did, learn to eat again, cry and want to kill myself because it hurt so bad and because I wanted to eat so bad just to carry my ass back to 368 pounds. I didnt go from near death, raging diabetes, dangerously high blood pressure and being unable to walk a flight of steps without a cat at the top meowing encouragement at me (yes, seriously. Ask Amy if you dont believe me.) just to go back to 368 pounds.
It could be worse. I was convinced I was over 400. If I had been, it would have sent me to a deep dark place I dont even want to think about any more. It took me damn near a week to get up the courage to step on that scale I was so sure. I know I scared Amy talking about it. I made sure to weigh while she was here so she wouldnt be worrying.
Tonight at the gym I started off with 5 minutes in the tanning bed. That got me warm pretty much and hopefully didnt make the burns I got when I jumped to ten minutes any worse. I think tanning is going to help with my depression, I have been 5-6 times over the past week or so and I can feel it starting to ease up a little. I see my brain doc tomorrow and get refills on my sleeping pills and antidepressant boosters so that should help too.
After the tan I walked for 15 minutes on the treadmill. I varied the speed and could never really figure out the right speed to walk at consistently. In 15 minutes I did .56 of a mile. I think I may switch that part up and walk for distance instead of time and keep track of how much time it takes to go, say, .75 of a mile to start. I dont like the treadmill, for some reason it made me dizzy. When it gets warmer I will probably start walking outside or find a track or something.
Then I got on a recumbent bike and did a mile. That took almost 6 minutes, clocking in at 5:56. I have no idea if this is good or not but I hurt a little after the mile so I stopped there.
Then it was time for the sauna. I spent about 15 minutes inside, sweating like a Republican at a truth telling contest and drinking water. I didnt drink enough apparently, Im cramping a little in my foot. Must remember to drink more water.
Now the real test. Lets see how I feel when I wake up, if I can walk tomorrow. I remain optomistic...
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Achievement unlocked and an old friend becomes a new experience
Achievement Unlocked: Join a Gym. I have joined Golds Gym in Indianapolis on the East side. The locations is near my house and is open 24/7, which suits my vampiric sleep schedule and allows for what I hope will be peaceful middle of the night trips to a mostly empty gym where I can start to get healthier without dealing with a huge crowd of people.
The main attractions of this gym for me:
A 25 meter lap pool. This calculates to 32 laps down and back to equal one mile and that seems insanely far right now.
A sauna. Other than working up a sweat Im really not certain about the benefits of saunas, I will be looking it up to see what I can find out though.
Free tanning. To be honest, this was the thing that hooked me. During the winter months I am pretty sure that if I could tan regularly I could avoid a lot of the Seasonal Affective Disorder and resulting depression I undergo. It really wasnt that bad this year until about a month ago and then depression just kicked my ass with both feet. Believe me, Im not going to go for a George Hamilton look here, I just want to get through a winter without feeling like killing myself.
They have a large number of treadmill/bicycle type machines. Most of the bikes/treadmills are located upstairs in lines in a room but there are some inside a darkened theater with a projection system showing movies. This could be cool at times I suppose, if it was a good movie.
There are also weight machines to build certain muscle groups and free weights. I likely wont be messing with these a lot at first. Another interesting thing, the gym recently expanded and put in a large unconventional workout area where stuff like you see in strongman competitions and MMA reality training shows can happen. Likely I will be staying out of this area too. There are also a variety of free classes, Zumba and such, and a racquetball court.
I am going to take a page from the lesson book of my love, Heidi from the Internet. She started working out and overdid it at first and was in huge amounts of pain, so I am planning to start pretty slow and work upwards as I build stamina and strength. I figure my goals to start should be:
1 length of the pool as a warm up and then 3 laps swimming.
10 minutes on the bicycle
Tan for the recommended time as a break
10 minutes on the treadmill
Look into the sauna and maybe end the workout in the sauna for the recommended amount of time.
Im not sure what order to put these things in but I get a free hour with a workout professional, whatever that is, so I figure they can help me or I can start Googling stuff till I find a satisfactory answer.
I am also psyching myself up to step on a scale for the first time in over 18 months. I know I have gained a lot of weight and will probably be crying when I realize just how much, but I deserve it. I have been eating like shit and not taking care of me.
Its time to take care of me for a while. Body and brain.
***Beyond this point there is BDSM talk and Poly talk. I know there are readers here who would rather skip over these parts so I try to warn you when they are coming. Consider yourself warned ***
We went to Klub Layden in Muncie last night. Its been a few weeks since we have been there because of sickness and timing problems and it was a needed release for both Amy and I. I had a totally unplanned surprise hookup with an old and dear friend and it went very well. It wasnt totally unexpected, we have been circling each other for at least a couple of months talking and sort of feeling each other out, I was really hoping something would happen sooner or later and it did. We have good energy together and the chemistry and styles we have are hot as fuck together. Apart from an eye shooting out incident, it went very well and is an experience I very much hope to repeat.
A bit later in the evening, a new friend was walking naked in the hallway and brushed past me and stopped to talk to people. A friendly touch on the shoulder led to a full on arm restraint from behind hold from me on her while the woman I had been with earlier did a little nipple/breast torture with fingernails. I think maybe our victim would have been able to stand it had I not started biting her shoulders. Her knees went weak and I damn near had to hold her up. It got rather hot for a few minutes but it was all in play and we let her go eventually. I love when spontaneous things like that happen. Its amazing.
Amy has a new friend. I dont have her permission to talk about him here so I will leave it at that and say that I like both him and his wife, they seem to be very nice and good people. Amy seems pretty happy too and thats the most important thing here. As far as my own poly life, Im not sure whats going on there. I have stopped actively looking for anyone to have a relationship with, I have come to the conclusion that I suck at that and need to work on myself for a while. I still have certain people in my life, the ones that will always be there. I will never willingly let go of them, they know who they are. But as far as a secondary relationship of a poly fashion, Im just not sure I am interested right now. Of course now that I have said that, someone will show up and knock me for a loop and the ride on the crazy train will start all over again. Or will it? I think I am better than that. I will always be open to the right person entering my life and changing it but I think I am done letting them in unless its going to be positive change. I have been moving towards this goal for some time now, therapy has helped a lot and continues to and I have met some wonderful people and had some good experiences. This year has been sort of a bummer so far, broken cars and the plague making the rounds, the death of a dear friend and the leaving of a very sweet beagle, But I honestly think change is in the wind. It will be, that is, if the fucking wind in Indiana ever stops bringing snow.
So this turned into a bigger brain dump than I thought it would. In a good way, I feel like I quieted the bees that have been buzzing in my head a bit and let some stuff go that needed letting go. I am now going to weigh myself and as a motivator I will be posting that weight on Facebook.
Jeebus give me strength...
The main attractions of this gym for me:
A 25 meter lap pool. This calculates to 32 laps down and back to equal one mile and that seems insanely far right now.
A sauna. Other than working up a sweat Im really not certain about the benefits of saunas, I will be looking it up to see what I can find out though.
Free tanning. To be honest, this was the thing that hooked me. During the winter months I am pretty sure that if I could tan regularly I could avoid a lot of the Seasonal Affective Disorder and resulting depression I undergo. It really wasnt that bad this year until about a month ago and then depression just kicked my ass with both feet. Believe me, Im not going to go for a George Hamilton look here, I just want to get through a winter without feeling like killing myself.
They have a large number of treadmill/bicycle type machines. Most of the bikes/treadmills are located upstairs in lines in a room but there are some inside a darkened theater with a projection system showing movies. This could be cool at times I suppose, if it was a good movie.
There are also weight machines to build certain muscle groups and free weights. I likely wont be messing with these a lot at first. Another interesting thing, the gym recently expanded and put in a large unconventional workout area where stuff like you see in strongman competitions and MMA reality training shows can happen. Likely I will be staying out of this area too. There are also a variety of free classes, Zumba and such, and a racquetball court.
I am going to take a page from the lesson book of my love, Heidi from the Internet. She started working out and overdid it at first and was in huge amounts of pain, so I am planning to start pretty slow and work upwards as I build stamina and strength. I figure my goals to start should be:
1 length of the pool as a warm up and then 3 laps swimming.
10 minutes on the bicycle
Tan for the recommended time as a break
10 minutes on the treadmill
Look into the sauna and maybe end the workout in the sauna for the recommended amount of time.
Im not sure what order to put these things in but I get a free hour with a workout professional, whatever that is, so I figure they can help me or I can start Googling stuff till I find a satisfactory answer.
I am also psyching myself up to step on a scale for the first time in over 18 months. I know I have gained a lot of weight and will probably be crying when I realize just how much, but I deserve it. I have been eating like shit and not taking care of me.
Its time to take care of me for a while. Body and brain.
***Beyond this point there is BDSM talk and Poly talk. I know there are readers here who would rather skip over these parts so I try to warn you when they are coming. Consider yourself warned ***
We went to Klub Layden in Muncie last night. Its been a few weeks since we have been there because of sickness and timing problems and it was a needed release for both Amy and I. I had a totally unplanned surprise hookup with an old and dear friend and it went very well. It wasnt totally unexpected, we have been circling each other for at least a couple of months talking and sort of feeling each other out, I was really hoping something would happen sooner or later and it did. We have good energy together and the chemistry and styles we have are hot as fuck together. Apart from an eye shooting out incident, it went very well and is an experience I very much hope to repeat.
A bit later in the evening, a new friend was walking naked in the hallway and brushed past me and stopped to talk to people. A friendly touch on the shoulder led to a full on arm restraint from behind hold from me on her while the woman I had been with earlier did a little nipple/breast torture with fingernails. I think maybe our victim would have been able to stand it had I not started biting her shoulders. Her knees went weak and I damn near had to hold her up. It got rather hot for a few minutes but it was all in play and we let her go eventually. I love when spontaneous things like that happen. Its amazing.
Amy has a new friend. I dont have her permission to talk about him here so I will leave it at that and say that I like both him and his wife, they seem to be very nice and good people. Amy seems pretty happy too and thats the most important thing here. As far as my own poly life, Im not sure whats going on there. I have stopped actively looking for anyone to have a relationship with, I have come to the conclusion that I suck at that and need to work on myself for a while. I still have certain people in my life, the ones that will always be there. I will never willingly let go of them, they know who they are. But as far as a secondary relationship of a poly fashion, Im just not sure I am interested right now. Of course now that I have said that, someone will show up and knock me for a loop and the ride on the crazy train will start all over again. Or will it? I think I am better than that. I will always be open to the right person entering my life and changing it but I think I am done letting them in unless its going to be positive change. I have been moving towards this goal for some time now, therapy has helped a lot and continues to and I have met some wonderful people and had some good experiences. This year has been sort of a bummer so far, broken cars and the plague making the rounds, the death of a dear friend and the leaving of a very sweet beagle, But I honestly think change is in the wind. It will be, that is, if the fucking wind in Indiana ever stops bringing snow.
So this turned into a bigger brain dump than I thought it would. In a good way, I feel like I quieted the bees that have been buzzing in my head a bit and let some stuff go that needed letting go. I am now going to weigh myself and as a motivator I will be posting that weight on Facebook.
Jeebus give me strength...
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