Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

 The girl and I have been talking a lot lately. Whatever it was that gummed up our communication works has broken and the words and thoughts and communication is flowing in fucking torrents now.

This is very good.

Life changing stuff is being discussed. She and I spent a few hours in the park Sunday and basically rethought our whole relationship, everything from our BDSM dynamic to our style and brand of Polyamory to what and who we want to be for each other. We had a wonderful walk through the woods while discussing all of this and it felt so good to be reconnecting, both to my girl and to nature.

Big items:

1. Im not going to be her Dominant anymore. Im not even sure I have a Dominant of any real variety within me at this point or if I ever have. I can barely take care of myself, I would be doing anyone else a huge mis-service if I tried to take care of them in this manner and thought I could be good at it.
2. The girl is thinking of trying to find a Mistress to help keep her together and on task and give her what she needs structurally BDSM-wise. She and I are still going to play together and not a lot will change other than someone else taking over the Dominant role in her life. Both of us feel that this will strengthen the bond between us and our relationship.
3. We are going to continue being Poly. Polyamory has opened up a whole new world for us and made our relationship much better and stronger as a benefit. We communicate better, a must in the poly world, we are spending better and more quality time together and we have made minor changes here and there to things in our relationship that we didnt even know needed changing. Overall we are better off for trying it and we are mostly succeeding.

The minor things:

1. I am definitely interested in Daddy play and the Daddy energy I have. That I do think I can be good at and succeed at. I will continue to pursue learning and experiences in this area.
2. I definitely have a sadistic side and will continue to feed and nurture that. Its deep and its dark and it scares the fuck out of me at times. I love it and cannot imagine myself without it.
3. I am going to continue in therapy and work on myself. I call my brain broken a lot, it isnt, its just wired differently. I need to figure out how and how to work with it instead of giving in to it or working against it. I should have done this a very long time ago.

This is only a partial list, I guess. Changes seem to be coming at us pretty quick around here which is good as most of them are positive. I expect there will be no shortage of stuff to write about so I am planning to continue writing, its helping me again.

Daddy/girl thoughts.

I have been told a lot in the past few months that I have a good Daddy energy. I was dismissive at first, but when more than a few people say something in a pretty short time its best to start paying attention, so I did. Its been fascinating and a very moving experience at times. I have learned a lot about the BDSM community, myself and the world in general.

There was a post today on Fetlife that just about sums it up perfectly. Im not going to credit the author, I dont have permission and dont know him well enough to ask for it. But here it is:

I wish I had a nickel for every time someone, in the BDSM lifestyle mind you, made a comment along the lines of "the Daddy/girl thing is just creepy". Every time I hear it I want to tell them to fuck off.

I find child molesters abhorrent. Being a Daddy isn't about some sick child molestation fantasy or disgusting incestuous fantasy. I am a real father and a damn good one. If someone ever mentioned my daughter to me in a sexual way I would likely beat them into a squishy mess.

Being a Daddy is about a building a bond with someone. A bond so deep and so unique that anything less seems like a pale imitation. It is about a sincere desire to help them become the person they want to be.

It is about setting rules and expectations, not to simply punish them for breaking them but because you want them to actually learn something from the rules and expectations.

It is about listening to their aspirations, their hopes, their dreams, their fears, their pain. It is about genuinely caring about all of these.

It is about teaching. It is about being the solid rock that they can cling to when the sea of life is filled with storms.

It is simply about showing them that they are loved, unconditionally. That no matter what rules are broken, no matter what punishments have been delivered, you will always be there to pick them back up and put your arms around them and kiss the tears away.

To me, this is dead on. And if you happen to be in a sexual relationship with the person you also have a Daddy relationship with, there is nothing wrong with that either. Fantasies are very powerful and sensual things. I honestly believe I could murder a child molester and sleep well that night but age/Daddy/Incest play all hold great fascination for me. I have punched people in the face for using racist terms around me but a week or so ago I learned about Race play and the extent to which it went and I find it intriguing also.

In short, people shouldnt be so judgmental. I fail to see any logic at all in inferring what someone is like based on what they like. People who do that miss out on meeting a lot of good friends.

Introverts Unite! (But not all together)

I found this in a Fetlife post and wanted to add my thoughts and post it here so I can find it again. This may be the best writing I have ever read on introverts.

All of these are true to one degree or another but a few of them are dead the fuck on target. For me, #3 is the first one that falls into this category. Why cant people just be honest and open and not do grade school shit like tell lies or talk shit or my favorite "Because I didnt want to hurt you" Yeah, that always ends well. Just be honest.

#6 is also dead on. I like being alone, being alone can be wonderful. But when I feel very lonely, I want to hurt or kill myself almost every time. Sure, I get through it. But the desire is there. And I hate that. 

#9. I dont like crowds. Too many people in one place and I just cant deal with it and socially interact at the same time. I wish this wasnt true or that my crowd tolerance was better, but it is what it is. I am hoping this can be addressed to some degree in therapy

The article has more info and more good thoughts, check it out if  this interests you. 

http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not often thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

A new label and other musings

I saw the therapist today. Im starting a new type of therapy Thursday, a more intensive type than what I was doing. This comes from being given a new diagnosis and having a new label slapped on me by the doctor and therapist.

Borderline Personality Disorder with added Psychopathies.

I'm still not totally sure what that means but its sort of scary how well I fit the profile for it. The therapist started asking me questions and it was like she was describing the inside of my brain almost perfectly. My thoughts, my actions, what it was like when I went off my meds, everything. It was a little scary. But then I thought about it and asked her if it felt that way should I be more encouraged than worried because there was a definite way to help it. She agreed and said that on a scale of 1-10 my particular case would rank about a 5 based on what she has seen so far and saw before when I was in therapy for her. This was after we talked last time for almost an hour about me being off of Citalopram and what that was like.

The new therapy I am starting is called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It focuses more on emotions and actions and how they affect each other and getting them all under control using real world exercises and practices. On the surface it sounds like pretty much exactly what I need. Im really hoping I can get into it and do well, I think I can. Im sure there will be further updates as things proceed.


Amy had her birthday on the 21st. There was a slosh that night and we went and she got spankings. There were three friends there that she wanted spankings from as well as me, so we made it happen. I figured we would do it over in a corner or on a St Andrews Cross that was unoccupied along a wall but my brave girl chose to do it right on the stage in front of everyone. She told me today that she was scared shitless and I agreed that she had a good reason to be but told her that I was very proud that she did it anyway and got through her fear. She has been doing VERY well at that since she started trying to. I am proud beyond words and am enjoying watching the process very much. Its like she is a whole new person at times.

I have decided that I want to do a charity 5k in 2014. There is a big cat rescue center in Indiana that handles lions and tigers and such and they sponsor a 5k where you get to go behind the scenes and see the big cats as you do the walk/run. Thats the one I am aiming for and if it goes well I will probably pick a couple more and do them too. I will never be able to run 5k but Im pretty sure that with the right practice and building up I could walk it in a reasonable time. I understand there is a program called Couch to 5K and I am planning to look into that, it sounds like it would be what I need.

Its Wednesday now, I started this on Tuesday and got distracted. Watched Labyrinth tonight, thats a good movie. Jim Henson is a demented genius. And Bowie was a surprisingly good actor.

I start therapy tomorrow. I am debating writing a post every day after therapy to write about what happened that day and how its going. We shall see...